I pulled away from this project for a while. I felt that I needed to withdraw, to privately work on some issues arising from this project. Whilst, I wasn't publicly working on this project and the last few days I did share had changed from previous days. Why? It was as much as I could mentally, emotionally and physically cope with at the time and yet, I wanted to share something publicly at the time. I still wanted to share the depths of me at the time and then the next day, I felt the need to withdraw, to be private with the depths of me, so that I could be clearer with my expressing my depths.
In my absence, I was still working with being in the now, keeping in touch with my feelings, issues and the depths of me. I was also working out my focus, my communication of that and my strong desire not to share publicly. Throughout this time, I had realised that many things were changing for me and that, that in itself wasn't a bad thing to happen, in fact it was necessary for this process to continue.
These realizations rocked my core. I thought I understood myself, my issues and what direction I needed to go in. Everything I thought I knew and understood about myself, was suddenly blasted away into oblivion by one realisation after another and I was left standing in this chasm, stark, open, exceptionally raw and confronting for me. I realized the person I thought I was didn't exist. I had been under quite an illusion. When I started seeing me in regards to all aspects of my life, I actually hated myself!
I saw such an arrogant shit of a human being, carrying so many chips on my shoulders and I needed to drop a hell of a lot of what I had become. I needed to change if I wanted to create meaningful relationships. Fuck, I have so much work to do, it was overwhelming at first. At least, I can take comfort that I have realised this and that I have been given an opportunity to change me for the better. What a beautiful opportunity, as horrible as it is to see myself in a hateful and disgusted way, at least I have seen that.
Yes, it's scary to let go of the 'old me' that I thought was likeable! This shift needed to happen otherwise old patterns will just keep repeating themselves and slapping me in the face. This change will be, is full on, that it will take time and patience to work through things, to not give up, to not return to the comfort of the old self. I am willing to accept there will be people who will not like this change. Already it has started causing ripples within me and to those around me, some good, some bad, along with throwing me into emotional turmoil. Trying my hardest to keep this steady.
Throughout this I have tried to keep connected, albeit privately to this project. Struggling at times to get out of bed or even open my eyes, wanting to hide, to run from being creative. I have had to push through those feelings. To do something each day even if it's getting up and making a cup of coffee and being aware of where I am at.
Throughout this, the friend who gave me this project challenge has gently cajoled me at times to pick up my camera and go out in nature, to take photographs. Even with me feeling so disconnected to life, I did it. Small victory but a necessary one.
As time went by more small triumphs kept emerging. One day I received a compliment on my photography after sharing some old photographs of mine, they told me how they loved me sharing my photographs on Facebook and how much they loved seeing them. It brought a smile to my face and gave me encouragement in what I do. I have also been working on my drawing skills using a pen, whilst also exploring some of the issues that have arisen during this project. I went to post one of my drawings on Facebook and it's face recognition software wanted me to tag the woman in the drawing, as it believed it was an actual person's face! Yes, I really smiled then!
This project has been far from easy but then I didn't expect it to be. I knew I would love it but I never thought I would really struggle with it. I love art and photography, I love exploring, I have a curious mind, so why would I struggle with it? Struggle I did however, I had to fight that, push it away because deep down, this was working on a few levels, even if I didn't like what was arising from my depths, it was helping me let go. So, as much as it irked me, as much as I wrestled with it, I knew it was moving me, changing me, releasing me, all good things.
It has help me reconnect with my creative imagination, which I had lost years ago. It has pushed my own constructed walls on my life, art and photography beyond those boundaries, reaching out beyond that which I believed I was capable of. It has inspired me, pushed me to want to improve my art and photography, it has connected me to self, it has woken me up. I want to be a better photographer and artist, I want to keep pushing back those boundaries till there are none, to create amazing art, I want to quite simply push my self in every way.
More than anything though, I want to work on me, to create me!
Things, I have learnt so far;
- When I think I know everything - I will know nothing
- When I think I know who I am - I will realise that I am not that person
- When I struggle - there is always a triumph waiting to be discovered
- When I push myself further than the blocks I surround myself with - It's an opportunity awaiting me that is vital for change
- Most importantly - I CAN do this!
I have decided to do a few posts to bring everything up to date and share what I have been creating privately in my absence.
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