DAY ELEVEN: Food Nurture - Spicy Thai Pumpkin Soup. Raw but Honest.

These last few days have been tough, erratic sleep due to my seizures, emotions all over the shop, realizations about me and of certain patterns that I don't like (at least I know I can change these things), releasing of old hurts and a deep understanding of just how much healing still needs to be done. This voyage of discovery has been exceptionally raw and brutally honest. I could not have imagined how this would evolve nor where it would take me, it is shaking my core, screaming at me, stripping me bare.

It's time to be gentle with me and nurture myself. My old pattern would be to just wallow, eat the easiest thing at hand, unhealthy patterns, not go out, shun the world. This project has helped me face that and be open, face the rawness and the brutal honesty of it all.

I have changed my eating habits immensely, I have made the decision to become vegetarian, slowly cutting out meat. I am eating and eating healthy.

Food has always been my crutch and I love to cook. Cooking is my expression of my creativity in the Kitchen. I get my inspirations from many sources and I am totally in awe of the creative souls in the service industry, who produce the most orgasmic, sumptuous, eye-catching dishes - you know the ones that make you salivate before you have tasted them, even better if you can do that from the description on the menu.

Food is definitely for me for the soul, it's like a soul satisfying hug that wraps you in healing love and tells you everything is going to be okay. Feeling blessed that I can cook and the range of food available in Australia, the fact I can afford to buy food, so grateful. Thank you soup for making me smile today.

Photograph by Andrea George using Nikon Coolpix P520

DAY TEN: The urge to drive

In the early hours of this morning I needed to get out of the house, to connect with nature, to see the stars, feel the cold air, to hear the sound of water, to feel alive and to recall what it feels like to sit behind the wheel of a car.

I was grateful a friend had called in, otherwise large parts of this would have been unattainable. I started with Epilepsy in 1997 after an operation and since then I have not been able to drive, as it has not been under control. So, my friend drove us out into the country.

I have always found ways to get to where I need to with or without friends/partner's/family help but there also have been times, where not having a car and not being allowed to drive has frustrated me. Most of the time, it doesn't affect me.

When I am feeling depressed, however, the one thing that lifted my spirits was getting in the car and driving, just driving anywhere, to be alone and at one with nature. Now that pleasure has been removed, it is at times like now, it cuts the deepest, sending me lower into my depression.

Getting out last night with my friend was soooo good to do and although I couldn't drive, I just wanted to know, to be reminded what it felt like to sit behind the wheel of a car. To hold that steering wheel, to be in the driver's seat.

So that's what I did, whilst we were parked, I sat behind the wheel, it was odd, weird, scary, it didn't sit well with me for a while, it was awkward.

The desire to be able to drive again is so strong, it has been for a few years now, it would open up so many doors, it's at times like this I get angry with my epilepsy. One day, I will be on the highway to nowhere, just enjoying my solo drive, that day will be when I am seizure free, I look forward to that day. For now, I am grateful for opportunities of getting out further in this beautiful country, I live in.

Photograph taken using NIkon Coolpix P520

DAY NINE: Poem: I Am ....

I am a tortured soul

yes , all my own doing

I acknowledge it

It is my darkness

my creativity is the light

the expression of the depths

it strips me bare

I am uncovered

I am undone

I am unravelled

I am ....

So much to heal

it will be done

it will break me

yet I will not run

let the thunder roar

and the skies weep

this is my dungeon's castle keep

open and exposed

for all to see

I am ...

Watch me rise from fires that burn

See the change

from a life forlorn

drag those mountains

those raging oceans

melt the ice

soften the wind

I am ...

the darkness from within.

Andrea George May 2014

DAY NINE: Hmmm ....

I had a seizure yesterday and I feel like I have had another one today because my words and mind are failing me.

So I am leaving you with this painting I did some years back called "Blue Angel," She was created using meditation and started off as a shipwreck. I think she perfectly represents right where I am at right now.

Artwork by Andrea George

DAY NINE: The Power of Words

Hold thy tongue and thoughts for

On one hand they hold the power to;

cut like a sword,

to scar,

to compel,

to destroy,

to crush,

to snuff out a life.
On the other hand, they hold the power to;

heal like a hug,

to repair,

to empower,

to build,

to strengthen,

to change a life.

Hold thy tongue and thoughts,

yield them wisely

for whom they fall upon

will ripple,'

will resonate,

will hold a life in the balance.

Condemn not those for

whom life is not to your liking

offer only compassion and love

and watch how you have changed them,

love only love,

especially for your enemy,

for love creates

the change within.

DAY EIGHT: Words and their Power.

Stop the Rot; I have made the video deliberately silent, as I wanted the words and pictures to speak for themselves. The words evoke so many emotions for me. Watching the video for the first time brought sadness and joy. There is comfort in this video, in knowing that I have survived the bullying, the labels, the name-calling and I can smile. Yes words can hurt but they can also heal. Be the reason someone smiles and not the reason someone loses their life, the power is in your hands.

Photographs and video created by Andrea George, using a Nikon Coolpix P520 and video software.

DAY SEVEN: Reflection on the process so far ....

It has been seven days since this project was started. It has not been an easy ride to open up and share these deeply personal emotions and thoughts. It must be said, however, that it has given me a focus for each day and pushed me beyond my creative barriers.

Going through the process of being in the moment, open, connected to the raw, exposed depths of me, has taken me on a discovery, that I am not shirking from. In fact, when it feels overbearing, fraught, I am sitting with it, in silence, letting it settle before going with it and creating that depth. I do this because I recognise that's exactly what I need to do, for that's exactly where I am at and anything else would not be, raw, exposed or unapologetic.

What has come from this project so far, is something far beyond its original intention of helping me. It has touched the depths of many others and opened them up to conversations around the photographs and art work produced.

Some have shared their own depths with me and what my art and photographs have evoked in them. Most have also been raw and exposing for them. For me that is the essence of art - an evoking of emotions, a connection for the artist and the viewer of the art work/photograph.

It has opened up an opportunity for others to have a voice about their life in that moment and to recognise what they feel needs to happen for them. This has touched me beyond words. It has been humbling to know that what I have shared is awakening, stirring others to share and not feel isolated.

Yes, we recognise there is always someone worse off than you. I know I am truly blessed in many ways. Knowing this, however, does not mean you ignore your own depths. To do that would be to deny self, to reject self, the opportunity to change, to heal, to accept all of you, warts and all.

In recognising these depths and becoming creative is a cathartic way of pushing through the brutal acceptance of life's conditioning of self - to remain silent with such taboos as depression and struggles. Art teaches us to break the cycle of conditioning. It allows us to express a little heard voice, the voice of you, independent, passionate, unique and unapologetic.

To be raw, exposed and unapologetic through the creative process, lays new foundations, new neural, cognitive pathways and in turn giving you new tools to express the core of you in the moment. You do not have to share your creativity, however, to be open and vulnerable to that exposé of who you are in that moment gives authenticity to the creative process. It asks you to truly reveal the depths of you in the moment. You cannot hide true authenticity - it simply shines through.

Being authentic and vulnerable in turn pushes through the change and removes the stains and shackles of life's conditioning. You become alive, breathing, returning to the whole of your pure soul.

Yes, it is true today, I felt the need to hide, to dis-co-nnect. Yet, simultaneously this is also recognising where I am at in the moment. The tide will turn. I look forward to moving on with this project and seeing where it takes me.

I am grateful to those who are coming on this voyage of discovery with me. To those who have made their voices heard to me. For all the love and support, I have had. For the opportunity and the skills to create positive change in this raw, exposed and unapologetic way.

DAY SEVEN: Hide.

The desire to hide, the dis-co-nnect from my depths is very real at the moment, numbness.

I can hear the automated phone message saying; "The number you are dialling appears to be incorrect or disconnected. Please try again later"

Photographs by Andrea George taken using a Nikon Coolpix P520

DAY SIX: What is the missing piece?

Back to using my face as a canvas, this time as a puzzle with pieces waiting to be put in their place.

From time to time, I find myself thinking about what is missing from my life? It takes me a while to realise I need to switch that question around and ask What am I missing about my life?

Getting stuck in a pattern is the time these two questions arise and it doesn't change until I ask the second question. The reality for me is that I have missed a point about my life, a fundamental point that can severely hold me back and often causes disharmony. It's not until I look in the mirror of myself that I see what I am missing about life. That means going within and getting in touch with self, whilst outwardly being grateful for what I have now.

Becoming aware of this creates the shift. I have recognised that this mini project is about creating that shift and allowing the now, the moment, the depths of me, to speak through the silence of creation.

Photograph and art work by Andrea George taken using a Nikon Coolpix P520

DAY FIVE: Shattered, breaking, loss of shine and brilliance.

This piece was created by using the mirror as a canvas and painting on the mirror, it is a mere impression of me and like me with imperfections throughout.

I am shattered and it shows in this piece but that's okay, I can deal with that.

Art and Photograph created by Andrea George taken with a Nikon Coolpix P520

I would just like to add no mirrors were harmed in the making of this artwork, the owner can rest peacefully

DAY FOUR; The child within, mother connection, regression and rebirth

I thought yesterday's shoot was tough, little did I know what today's shoot would bring up, this one has really got me, a heart wrenching shoot, I have to say there was a part of me that wasn't going to publish this photo because it was so raw and exposing for me. It represents, the child within, the mother connection, regression and rebirth on one level and on a personal level my world as a child, a mother, my desire to retreat to a dark, warm cave, the desire to be nurtured and nourished and to nurture and nourish, as well as recognition of the rebirths we go through in life.

The foetal position is not only one a baby in the womb is in but also adults often go into this position when they sleep, I do this often. The inner picture of me in the foetal position is me not only totally raw and exposed, deep in thought but also of the desire to retreat, feel safe, warm, nurtured, nourished, to be in a dark cave away from the harshness of society. This is not a desire to run away from society rather it is a desire to retreat so that I can silently gather my strength, heal, be at one with nature and return with full mettle reborn from the old.

The foetal position also recognises the child within us all, the one we disconnect from as adults because society conditions us to 'grow up'. Children see things simply and plainly, the do things without fear, say exactly what they feel, the society moulds them, they learn to be silent, to not see things, to switch off from certain feelings and beliefs, they disconnect - they grow into the mould. Getting in touch with your inner child helps you break that disconnection. I love to do things I did as a child, painting with fingers, exploring soil with my fingers, making mud pies, making sand castles, splashing in puddles, being down right silly - it does the soul some good to be that inner child and reconnect with your true self, it heals in ways you cannot imagine and opens up your world to new possibilities.

It also recognise my role as a mother as does the larger picture of my stomach; a journey that has not been easy, fraught with difficulties and issues, some outside my control, others totally within my control, this has been the heart wrenching break of the shoot, for now I send out the love and live in hope.

Photographs by Andrea George, taken with a Nikon Coolpix P520

DAY THREE: Drowning in emotion

DAY THREE: Drowning in emotion; this has been by far the toughest shoot to do, letting my emotions totally override me, whilst attempting to hold my head under water and take a photograph and waiting for the timer to go off. So needing to forget the process and keep with the emotions.

I have decided to share these both in black and white as well as colour, because both evoke so much deep within for me. Even editing these I was in tears especially the middle one, in total desperation, grasping at one last hope before totally drowning in them.

The face I created with make-up to represent the feline/feminine/tigress within me - the soft and gentle,the fighter, the strong, the detached.

As I got wet the make up became a blur removing the tragedy below, the deep sadness, the desperation, the soul of me.

I faded or blackened the other pictures on the outside of the main picture because I wanted to focus on the desperation, the loss of hope, the turmoil of emotion drowning me. The grasp for some hope, some belief and waiting to see if I would break in that moment and see it, feel it, believe it.

Life can overwhelm us at times and we do get lost, we do have to fight for our own salvation and find a way through, keep our heads above water, whilst at the same time recognising these moments in us, it's our call to action, our call to allow the change and let go.

Photograph and Make-up by Andrea George - taken using Nikon Coolpix P520

I am totally discombobulated by the process, I have noted that whilst taking the photos, I find myself being there with the emotions and then taken out of that while I set up the camera for the shoot of the photo. So I make sure the timer gives me enough time to reconnect.

Then when I saw the photos, I lost it completely, uncontrollable tears, big release, touched my core and it broke me. It's akin to grazing your entire body while you have sunburnt skin - if that makes sense

DAY THREE: Contemplation; Discoveries during this process so far

Even though I have only been going through this process of feeling the depths of me in the moment and creating Art/Photographs depicting those feelings, what I am experiencing at that moment in the day for the last three days, I have started to recognise some discoveries and realisations.

Before, I explain those discoveries and realisations, I am also going to take this opportunity to give a little background info. I have recently been through some huge changes; relationship breakdown and as a result became homeless and currently living with friends, which has meant that my creativity became stifled due to not having access to my normal Art equipment and feeling unable to express myself. This has resulted in me going through quite a depressive state and feeling quite hopeless and totally unfocussed, struggling to believe in anything.

My art has in the past been the cathartic catalyst to helping me change that state, so, when my friend gave me this challenge of creating a photograph each day depicting the depths of me in the moment, I took it on. I did not know where it was going to go or how it was going to reveal itself or even for that matter if I could rise to that challenge and show the depths of me. I wasn't even sure if I could capture a photograph depicting my depths of me because at that moment I wasn't even sure what my depths were. However, I accepted the challenge and became open to the process awaiting it's revelations. At least now I had a focus.

So, what have been my discoveries through this process;

• All things are possible, you just have to find the key to unlock your possibility. It really is a mind switch; If you think it's not possible, it will not be possible, you have locked the door to that possibility, so ask yourself why you don't think it's possible, sit with it, work through what you believe is holding you back, then challenge yourself, tell yourself that you ARE going to do this and keep telling yourself that until it becomes a reality. Break it down, find another way, there is always another way. I didn't have any canvases nor could I buy any or a sketchpad, so for now I am using my face as a canvas to explore the depths of me. Initially, I couldn't see how I could be creative without my canvases, I had lost touch with artistic fundamentals - art does not need a canvas, it just needs to be created. It doesn't even need to be paint, art can be expressed in so many ways, unfortunately, the world conditions us to see things in traditional and constrained ways even in the Art world. Be different, show the world there are many ways to do something and no one way is the right way, stop conforming and just be.

• Being creative focuses the mind on the now; be careful not to get to lost in it, focus on what you are feeling through the process, the silence in your creative process, watch your process as you create your piece, don't think ( yes, I know hard not to) just observe - feelings, emotions, connections.

• Being authentic is opening up your vulnerability and being raw, exposed and unapologetic - it's your true essence. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable through a process allows your authenticity to shine and in turn allows the creative process to shine, your art will connect with the viewer in ways you cannot imagine at the time. For me art should evoke emotion at the very least for the artist and when it evokes an emotion in the viewer your art has power beyond its original intention, the intention to create an authentic art work.

• All emotions are valid and staying in one emotion unbalances your equilibrium. Allow the scales to naturally rock and swing back and forth. To deny an emotion is deny self and it will cause disharmony within, it will be emotionally, even physically be your undoing. So, let them flow as they are, recognise them, let them be and work on through those feelings and emotions, use whatever skills you have to do this or what is at hand at the time.

• You don't know you cannot do something if you don't do it. Action is the key to discovery of self. I was so lost and numb in my world of not believing I could be creative because I didn't have my art equipment. It wasn't until I received my challenge that it unlocked my creative processes again. Before my first day of the challenge and the night I had been given the challenge, I went through a process to connect with my emotions, to find the depths of me. The title and cover photographs contain self portrait photographs of that process of discovery and getting in touch and connecting with self. The photograph at the beginning of this post is one of those taken during this process. It helped me unlock my creativity and see what was possible.

• Be gentle with yourself. We are often are own harshest critics, we allow our own fear to stifle our possibilities and allows doubt to creep in and prevent us from being creative. Creative people are some of the most sensitive, doubting people and often push through fear and doubt. Fearing vulnerability and exposure to others, specially judgement of others of our Art because often in that art is our heart and soul. Shift the focus of creating your art for you and if you like it that is all that matters, you do not need someone else's approval of your work, be vulnerable, be open, connect and be gentle with yourself. Did you know there is not a right way to create art? There is only your way.

• You owe it to yourself to be in the moment, open, vulnerable, authentic, and honest, totally raw, exposed and unapologetic. You should never apologise for being who you are.

I will leave you with a quote from Pablo Picasso:

"The purpose of Art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls"

DAY TWO: Duality: Joker meets Pierrot

DAY TWO: Duality; The two of the many masks of me. Whether we like to admit it or not, we all have masks in some form or other. Some are in plain full view and others are hidden.

The mask showing in the main picture is my Joker mask often showing in plain full view. My slightly hidden mask is the Pierrot mask, often silent and deep behind my Joker mask, deep in thought.

It is often said laughter is the best medicine and it's well known how tragic comedians are, most struggling to keep in this world. In that respect I am no different, through my hardest times, like now, I find solace in being the fool, clowning around and the more I do it, the more depressed I am.

"Be not the fool
nor the joker,
stay clear from being a clown
for we all know the real face you wear
is a frown."

Occasionally my Pierrot mask is shown but to a few, for it's dark, deep in thought and deadly silence. Today, I am showing you the Pierrot mask, letting it be revealed, raw and exposed in all its deep tragedy.

Again I used paint to create this face art work.

Poem, Art work and Photography by Andrea George. Taken using my Nikon Coolpix P520.

DAY ONE: Dead but Breathing

DAY ONE: Most of my photos will be in black and white. I was asked to post one photo, however with so many emotions running through me, it became difficult to constrain it to one, this is where I am at in the moment.

I decided for my first day to actually paint me, use my face as a canvas, exposing the cracked, damaged me. I feel like I am dead but breathing at the moment, drying up because I feel restricted in creating, something which keeps me happy. I am struggling to let the sunshine and feel quite broken. Over most things at the moment, totally losing faith, tearful frequently, agitated, wrought, fucked off, looking for a ray of sunshine and just finding plain yellow. This is me stripped back barely full of colour.

Lyrics from a particular song I listen to resonate with me at the moment just a few lines only as the whole song doesn't apply to what I feel or think:

"So you try to work it out and get some help,
But I know what's going on,
I feel like I am dead but breathing,
I know cos my heart is beating"
Lyrics by Lesley Roy from "I'm Dead but Breathing"

The large picture shows me so broken, so damaged, cracked, in the depths of despair, heavy, breaking down.

The smaller pictures show the range of motions I am feeling, anger, bewilderment, numbness, blank, empty, free falling into the abyss, broken, lifeless, pained, damaged.

It's also my interpretation of the Mexican sugar skull often seen on the day of the dead or Dia de los Muertos

Self portraits taken with my Nikon Coolpix P520. Photographs by Andrea George, Art work on face also by me

Note to self: painting yourself is fun to do, washing it off is another thing lol

Raw, Exposed and Unapologetic project: Introduction

This is a project which reveals the raw, exposed and unapologetic photos showing the depths of me. The project was given to me by a friend to do for a month. This is a small intro into what is to come. It's about what is happening for me in the moment, so no apologies if you don't like what you see or read for I will try to articulate in anyway I can what I am feeling in the moment. I do not know where it will take me but I am open to all possibilities. Self portrait photographs taken with my Nikon Coolpix P520.

Furthermore: If this project evokes emotions you don't like, then may I make a suggestion that you take time to examine, why you feel that way about something you see and how you will deal with that. Sit with it and work through it because basically this is what my project is about for me - sitting with an emotion and working through it and expressing it in my own unique way.