DAY TWELVE: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Back to painting my face. Today has been quite a creative day, which I am pleased about. It started off with a meditation and a vision of a Dragon, associated with Strength, which I did and completed as a Pen Drawing.

Then I created a cruelty free tribal tattoo for my neck, the lines need to be cleaner but I am fairly happy with the design.

Finally came forth the Tiger and the desire to return to painting my face. I have been reading a book called "Waking the Tiger." It is about dealing with trauma, something which has been arising in my issues, since I started this project. I actually don't see this as a bad thing, it's about time, I faced these inner demons. The book I am reading explains trauma and how trauma in the animal world rarely occurs in the wild, however, humans do suffer from trauma and in many forms.

I have only started reading this but I like the ideas, thoughts and concepts already expressed in the book.

So, why "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" - well it's interesting, I hadn't made the connection to my drawing of my dragon this morning till I heard the words of this for my art photo shoot and I wondered why that sprung to mind. I did some research and it turns out that the crouching tiger, hidden dragon symbolism relates to passions, talents hidden within us all and seeking them out. It comes from an ancient Chinese poem by Yu Xin. In that poem it says "behind the rock in the dark probably hides a tiger, and the coiling giant root resembles a crouching dragon."

Both symbols for me are quite strong and come from a place of strength and empowerment. The book "Waking the Tiger" talks about how unspent energy freezes us and brings about trauma and it's not until that unspent energy is diffused can the trauma be healed. He describes how he gave a woman, who was suffering from severe panic attacks and agoraphobia, the image of a tiger chasing her. She screamed, trembled and her legs moved as if she was running from the imaginary tiger. She never had panic attacks again and the agoraphobia dissipated. The unspent energy that had locked her in trauma had been released by this powerful imagery.

I have had fun releasing my own dragon and tiger and feel their energy within me, their strength and empowerment.

I do feel more creations are on their way. Productive day all round.

Creation and Photographs by Andrea George using a NIkon Coolpix P520

Anger Explosion - losing it!

"The Devil" Pen Drawing by Andrea George

"She Devil Vampire" Acrylics on canvas by Andrea George

Wow! What a day so far! I know I wanted to get back to the original intention of this project, to create a photograph each day showing the depths of me at any given moment but sheesh, I never imagined the gamut of emotions that would come rolling over me in such a short space of time. I have been working through my issues with this and emotions are a big part of that and by enlarge they have been reasonably okay to deal with. Today however, everything was powerfully strong, immense need to cry. I was incredibly unsettled not sure what was happening when I woke up - totally overwhelmed by wanting to pace, immense nervous energy, need to breath deeply and feelings running rampant like electricity through my body. Then, I did cry and cry out loud, I was at wailing cry point, it just released in a huge flooded wave. Moments later, it all came crashing down in a rage of torrid anger. I was air boxing like a possessed woman, my music was blasting out and then I broke, I screamed and turned to my notebook. I wanted to write a poem but couldn't, it was then I snatched my sketch book and manically produced the dark featured pen drawing of "The Devil." He was the Machiavellian persona staring back at me created through such strong anger, anger which had now subsided, once I had finished drawing him.

So, welcome to "The Devil." After going through the gamut of emotions this morning, along with a panic attack and extreme anger, this drawing came forth in a mad explosion. He's not part of the characters I have been trying to produce. This was a crazed, manic drawing after I became extremely angered. So as we have been going through a mercury retrograde, it's poignant that he should arise. Also the fact that I have felt and in many ways still feel quite restricted and constrained by my current situation. I recognise, I have the power to change this and take action in order to shift this feeling of restriction. Yes, I do see myself as bound by my current conditions and I am slowly finding ways and the strength to break those shackles that I put upon myself. this perfectly demonstrates that if you allow to remain connected to the depths of you, you will see and hear your truth. A powerful lesson in connection to the depths of self and allowing the flow of emotions to run through you.

Underneath him is his female bedfellow "She Devil Vampire" also another exercise I did dealing with anger. It was again cathartically painted after I did a series of photographic self portraits, quite literally screaming at the camera. I then created the "She devil Vampire" based on one of those self portraits, as yet she remains unfinished but I kinda like that. It's like as soon as I got her out onto canvas the anger dissipated, very much like "The Devil" above.

Pen drawing and Photograph by Andrea George, taken using a Nikon Coolpix P520

Creational Spurts, Soul Garden and Emotional rollercoaster!

Ma'halia

Compilation of Photographs at Alfred Nichols Gardens by the lake, Dandenong Ranges, Victoria, Australia.

My Koru necklace a symbol of new beginnings.

So, I have written here for a while. I wanted to write when I had created three characters, I have been working on, two female and one male. So, far, I have completed one; "Ma'halia." the other two have been hovering in the background, awaiting for me to grip my brushes and finish them. These characters have come out of nowhere following on from my exploration into symbolism. They were quite clear, strong, joyful characters. Each with their own distinctive style. As I was creating the characters and their scenery, a fourth came into my mind, another female, unlike the others which appear full bodied in my mind, so far I am only seeing her head.

My usual visual moments are as I am waking and in a flash bang I can see them. During this creational spurt, I also envisioned, stylised symbols for the zodiac, for now they will have to wait. Alongside these characters, has been two large canvases just urging me to create upon them and their visions are vivid as my other creations. With the large canvases, I have been working on the compositions, which is not my usual approach for my art works, only for large canvases, it helps me focus on proportions and scale. With my usual art works, I can create without the composition process, as I am able to take what's in my mind's eye and produce them accordingly. I believe this is because I am used to working with the sizes of the canvases.

Since, I last updated my blog I have started two pages on facebook. One to share my Art and Photography along with this blog and another to share my Spirit Guide drawings - like "Silas." I have been an intuitive reader for many years, since I was 21 years old. However, my connection with Spirit started much younger, I was 6 years old when I had my first experience, at the time it didn't feel out of place to see this woman but there was something I couldn't quite work out why she didn't fit in with the rest of the people in Victorian costume - I was at a Victorian fair at the local Town Manor, so she didn't seem out of place as others were similarly dressed. I don't often talk about this side of me, it's something that I have shared privately with people I have connected to in the past. Now I'm opening it up to others in a public way and this is thanks to the 'quickening affect' I have been getting through this challenge of creating photographs and art works that connect to the depths of me.

Feel free to like my pages on facebook and share it with your friends:
https://www.facebook.com/RawSkinAu?ref_type=bookmark is my Art and Photography page.

Many changes have occurred during this time, blasting away at the old me, transforming and transmuting me on many levels and heightening my art work and photography. It has spurred me on to improve myself. It hasn't been easy, as I have stated before, at times, I have wanted to run, bolt the door or just hide away under the doona (duvet) until it's all over. Sometimes, it's good to retreat and other times you need to push through and help the shift change up gears. Connecting to the depths of you helps you intuitively know when to do this.

Emotions run high with me at the moment, roller coasting still with them, often wanting to burst into tears, giving into that and letting them flow, along with the laughter and the good times, keeping it real. I have been shifting through a few issues, writing and working with my art and photography to connect to the depths of me, letting them go. So many realisations, that at times it has been quite overwhelming. I am slowly turning that corner, slowly emerging from the crud and making in-roads, reclaiming my power and ground. Other times, I have had to retreat, pull back from pushing myself, to nurture and nourish.

Today has been one of those mixed days, beautiful time out in the morning in one of my favourite places in the hills with a friend, it lifts my spirits so much to get out in nature, the joy, love and energy I get makes me feel so alive. It was good to get out for that hour and half. I got out in what I call my Soul garden at the Alfred Nichols Gardens in the Dandenong Ranges, it's one of those amazing hideaway places.

I even had some lovely chats with my friends further afield, love the laughter from my chats along with seeing how much my friends are enriching and enhancing their lives, love it, so proud of them. It's beautiful to see your friends reach for their dreams, push through their fears and create the lives they want, a joy to be friends with them. Now, I have the desire to cry - it's a releasing, powerfully shifting cry, not a sad cry, so the tears will flow and I will let go. Even sad crying is good, we all need a good release at times.

For the last few days, I have been trying to create and finish, the characters that have emerged in my mind, as well as one large canvas piece. So now to finish the characters I have been creating and share them with you. I know they will be finished and it doesn't matter when they are, just that they will be. As I write this and share it with you, I'm listening to a variety of music, it's my bedfellow in creating, in connecting. I'm also wearing my "Koru" necklace. The Koru traditionally signifies new beginnings. This necklace came from New Zealand and was given to me. So whilst, I go through these shifts and transformations, welcoming these new beginnings and opportunities, I also recognise the need to be present and work with what is for me at any given time.

I think it's important to recognise that my creations will be finished and it doesn't matter when, just that they will be. Working with honouring all that is with me in the present <3

Photographs by Andrea George using a Nikon Coolpix P520

Exploring Symbolism: Pen Drawings of Male/Female representations

Exploring Symbolism: Pen drawings

Top left: "Taken by Male", Top Middle: "Male Dominance", Top Right: "Silas",
Middle left: "The Goddess", Middle Upper: "All things being equal", Middle lower: "Submissive in the shadow of Male Dominance", Middle Right: "Pulled",
Bottom Left: "Ankhssst", Bottom Middle: "The Medusa Tree", Bottom Right: "Punched"

Pen drawings by Andrea George

As part of this process of looking at the inner depths of me through my art and photography, feelings surrounding old issues have begun to arise. It was time to explore some of these issues but at a level that was helpful and not a hindrance. The above pen drawings have been processed over several days. Initially I used abstract symbolism to explore these issues. The idea came to me, when trying to work out how I could explore these issues without them overwhelming me and recalling that with child abuse victims, dolls are used to help discuss and work through what took place.

I had not used abstract art before but believed that this was a great way to keep in touch with the depths of me and be gentle at the same time. I also had been aware how many cultures and civilizations had used symbolism as representations of male/female aspects and that was something I was keen to utilize. I took my time with this being exceptionally slow and allowing myself to withdraw if feelings overwhelmed me.

The top middle drawing; "Male Dominance" was my first attempt at this. I used the block shape to represent the male, as it was quite strong and domineering in it's presence and the more fluid shape for the female. I noted I was not giving either a head and the female was also lacking in arms.

I then created the middle lower drawing; "Submissive in the shadow of Male Dominance." The female symbol is cowering by a foreboding brick wall in the background and shadow of the Male symbol in the foreground. The tree offers some light relief in this scene.

My last before stopping was the Top left drawing; "Taken by Male." This is more direct than the other two in its representation and one of the more confronting drawings to emerge in this series of pen drawings. I stopped to take a break and nourish myself, whilst I allowed myself to remain connected to the drawings and consider positives.

I had managed to create an abstract narrative of female/male symbolic representations, whilst remaining safe with my issues. I accept that for some people these will also rise some issues for them, see that as a positive move and find a way to explore those feelings, whilst also feeling safe.

I continued early the next day with some less abstract representations; bottom right, "Punched", Middle Right, "Pulled" and Middle left, "The Goddess." Both "Punched" and "Pulled" became confronting for me on many levels and after drawing both, I needed to pull back and find a way to nurture me and work through a strong feminine representation. She came in the form of "The Goddess."  She was peaceful, loving, nurturing, calming and gentle, very different to the other two drawings that were stark, cold and harsh.

One triumph here was when I uploaded "The Goddess" to facebook, facebook's face recognition software wanted me to tag her, as it believed it to be a photograph of an actual human, that made me smile. Also, I was becoming comfortable with my drawing skills again and my creative imagination was being stirred.

Way back when I was at school and doing Art for my exams, I lost my creative imagination due to one male teacher who remarked on one of my drawings; "that's all very nice but it won't help you pass your exams!" Up to this point, I loved Art, I loved every aspect of it. Suddenly I was confronted with a stark reality, that I was at school to achieve a specific goal of passing exams, to demonstrate that I could regurgitate knowledge that had been taught to me and apply it in an exam setting and Art wasn't exempt from that.

Up until that point Art had been my one outlet to be free with my imagination and create whatever, I wanted, it wasn't about meeting criteria or being moulded to a specific learning path. For me it was about using the skills and techniques I had learnt and applying them in a unique and creative way, there were no constraints, I was free to do what I wanted with it. Now I was being told that this was not the case and the end game was all about conforming to exam criteria - ugggh my heart sank.

I could have crumbled at this point but I didn't. Instead I turned to the teacher and asked, what did I need to do in order to pass the exam? He was a little taken aback by my reply, however, he did let me know and so from that point on I worked on honing my techniques for still life, perspective, tone, colour, texture, composition and around specific themes and realism, rather than the fantasy Art I had been producing.

I passed my exams, however, the heart and joy I had previously had with art had been lost along with my creative imagination. It would be another 10 years before I touched art again and started to create and reconnect. Since then, I have been working to improve my art. So to have facebook face recognition software think one of my drawings was a photograph of a human was quite awesome.

After another small break, I created the next three pieces; Middle upper drawing, "All things being equal", Bottom Left drawing, "Ankhssst" and Bottom Middle drawing, "The Medusa Tree." The first two were a return to the abstract symbolism, whilst "The Medusa Tree" was a return to my creative imagination.

I was feeling more confident with this process and whilst it appears that I was moving away from dealing with issues, in reality, it was healing issues, I hadn't even considered. Throughout this process of connecting to the depths of me, I surrendered to the process to let feelings, emotions, thoughts flow through me and this is how these drawings developed. I started with one area I wanted to examine and ended up somewhere completely different and very naturally. Lots of positives to be drawn from this.

During this time, what felt like a cataclysmic event took place and I got side swiped by my emotions, I became exceptionally raw and quite literally lost it, I plummeted to a new low as my world changed before my very eyes once more. I withdrew once more, trying to get to grips with what had happened, it was so severe that some friends of mine decided to take me to their place for the night. It was what I needed, space in friends company to help me get a better perspective and calmly think things through.

After a few days, things were back on a more even keel and that's when I started updating the blog and thinking about new creations, along with really pushing forward and concentrating on healing myself. So, it has been a few days since I created anything. I have been thinking about various compositions and I have two large canvases to paint and create on.

Whilst thinking about those and one specific composition, the pen drawing in the Top right came forth - meet "Silas." I have no idea who he is, except I feel very strongly connected to him. Perhaps a guide. Again Facebook face recognition software wanted me to tag him when I uploaded him to facebook. He's not exactly symmetrical and he's quite quirky but I like him and may even become part of the large canvas works, I will be doing.

That's my updates completed. Now I look forward to creating and sharing the continued exploration of this challenge and project. I will carry it on with the next one as if it is Day twelve, who knows what that will bring? For now, I will be happy with my accomplishments so far and the connections to self that I am making and working through.

Photographs of Pen drawings by Andrea George taken using a Nikon Coolpix P520

Musically Challenged

I am currently staying in a place that has a baby grand piano, two guitars, several recorders and many music score sheets and books. I would love to play any of these things but alas it is the one talent I lack, I am unable to play any musical instrument, even the cymbals - yes, I hang my head in shame. I would love to learn to play the Saxophone for me it's such a beautiful instrument and goes to the heart of my love for Jazz music. In regards to my musical tastes, they are extremely eclectic - I love Jazz; opera, R&B, soul, Latin, Folk, country, rock, instrumental, spiritual, alternative, heavy metal, pop, Goth and some Rap music. I can sing but cannot read music.

Being surrounded by these beautiful instruments and unable to play is quite sad, especially when I see all the wonderful musical scores I could play to my hearts content if I could play an instrument. So what do you do, when surrounded by such beauty, I do the only thing I know how to do, photograph them with love and appreciation and connect to them through my artistic mind and photography. I love their shapes, I reminisce about the sounds they make, I even play on the piano and strum the guitar and revel in the music scores available to me and smile.

I even find a music score book with a collection of Kate Bush songs, this takes me back to being a teenager and living in the UK. I used to go with my Grandma and Grandad and walk along Brighton seafront with them. At the time Kate Bush was known for her "Wuthering Heights" song and "The Man with the Child in his Eyes". We would stop on the seafront and they would sit on the seats of the Victorian shelters and I would entertain them. At the time, I had long hair and wore flowing clothes, loved dance and singing. I could also impersonate a few famous people, a skill I had honed since early childhood. So, there I was giving them a rendition of Kate Bush's "Wuthering Heights" and watching them smile as I did. Such a happy memory from my childhood. It was good to reconnect to that and find a joy for today.

Music has always been emotive for me, it connects deep within me and moves me and it's amazing how I can hear music even in everyday things, like whirring of washing machines, cars etc. Everything has a rhythm, a musicality, I find and it keeps me present, keeps me aware of my surroundings and my heart connection. It can also help move, shift or change my mood, wake me up or calm me down - music is so versatile and oh how I love to dance to it's rhythm, to express my feelings in dance and outwardly display my connection to music.

I also use different types of music to connect me when creating my art works. Even now, as I am writing this post, I am listening to music. It's a humble focuser, it gently cajoles and moves me, it inspires me, sparks my imagination and yet gets me out of my head and into my heart.

I leave you with two of my favourite quotes on music:

"Music is the language of the Spirit. It opens the secret of life bringing peace, abolishing strife"                                                                                                                              Kahlil Gibran

"Music is the healing force of the Universe."

Long may I hear the spirit of Music, may it remain in my life to heal, bring peace and abolish strife.

Photographs by Andrea George taken using a Nikon Coolpix P520

Touched by Nature

With the "mañana" ("tomorrow") mantra gaining epic procrastination strength, something had to give. I desperately needed to exchange it for the "Carpe diem" ("seize the day") mantra to cause a shift within me, my heart and soul wanted to go out in nature but my mind was being stubborn and fickle, revelling in any excuse not to get out there, whilst realising that being in nature was the very thing that would heal me.

Why was I being so stubborn and fickle? Why did I not want to heal? Why did I not want to find the joy I have often gained through being in nature, to feel the lift and let my spirits soar? Last time I was there, in the back yard I felt a disconnection between nature and I and that disheartened me. I actually feared not being able to enjoy nature in the way I had previously. I didn't want to feel that disconnection, it was painful to face, I had already endured so many disconnections and this felt like a bridge too far.

So, I sat and wallowed again. Then I got talking with my friend, who had given me the challenge and she wanted me, in fact urged me to get out in nature, told me that the disconnect wasn't real. I was ropeable, I was swearing at the screen, frustrated and chowing down hard on my stubbornness. I wouldn't be going out no matter what! I was quite adamant about that. Yet, there I was moving towards the shower, swearing like a trooper and insisting I wasn't going out today.

Needless to say, I showered, got dressed, grabbed my camera and tripod, still swearing I might add, still insisting this wasn't happening and walking towards the front door. Out I went, walking and swearing, no idea where I was going to commune with nature but allegedly communing with nature I was going to do no matter how much my mind was against it. I got to a point not far from where I am staying and made a decision to take a different route, still swearing I might add.

I was walking along locked in my own stubborn mind, swearing away, quite loudly I might add, not muttering it under my breath, when I saw some Toadstools and thought I had better get out my camera and start the communing. As I turned, so did an older male back in the direction he had come from. My thoughts were that he either suspected, that I was suffering from PMS and was in a murderous state of mind and therefore dangerous to be around, or had some mental health issue and I had been let out unsupervised, or I had a severe case of Tourettes syndrome or all three! Whichever, he thought he made his escape before he got caught up in my tirade of expletives. I have to say I did cackle at the thought of whatever was crossing his mind.

I started to photograph like a crazed, possessed woman, the wet weather had spawned a variety of toadstools over a large area, with many different varieties, I got quite lost in it all, probably not a bad thing considering, how much I was swearing still. However, I noted I was getting frustrated, I wanted to get some amazing macro shots with my hybrid Nikon Coolpix P520. I had been working on refining this for clearer, sharper shots, so I was challenging myself to do this more often and see if I couldn't improve my macro shots. The toadstools were perfect for this.

After a while I retreated and carried on walking, still swearing I might add but it had now become a quiet muttering rather than a torrid, loud spew. I always want to get some shots of the wonderful and varied birds we have here n Australia and I knew that this walk may give me that opportunity. I also like it that if I am out in nature, I find a water connection. For me, water is so cleansing. As I was walking along a bicycle and walk way that met up with a creek, the water connection was a given. I hadn't been this way before, so I decided to see how far I would go but to stay out as long as I could, well at least until my swearing and frustration had subsided.

Along the way, I took photographs of trees, birds, flowers, more toadstools, water, even spiders webs on trees. Sadly, I didn't see the more colourful birds we have, here in Australia. I attempted to listen to the sounds around me, it frustrated me a little, that I couldn't completely relax, drop my frustration, feel the full connection and wonderment that I normally do with nature. I wanted to just sit but as the grass was damp and I couldn't find a bench, away from road areas to just sit and meditate, I gave up on that idea, much to my disappointment. Yes, I was still swearing by the time I had decided to return back to the place I was staying, it had calmed a little but the desire to return back was stronger than the desire to hang for a while longer. I was still feeling like this had been a futile exercise for me. I still felt disconnected in some way.

However, I did draw some triumphs from this; I had gone out and got out into nature, I had taken photographs - over 195 to be precise in over 3 hours of walking, I had practised my macro shots and worked on improving them. Now I was returning home to look at them on my computer. I transferred them and started looking at them. One photograph I had hoped would turn out fantastic didn't. I will return to re-take the shots of what I had seen and that had made me smile.

When I looked at the photographs, I liked them, I wasn't completely wowed by them all, so I selected about 30 to share on facebook with my friends, that I was quite pleased with. The swearing had subsided and I was feeling more relaxed. Perhaps nature had touched me after all and connected on a level, I hadn't felt.

You may be thinking how does this connect with the depths of me. Well, even negative emotions and feelings are a part of me, it is a connection that I was feeling at that moment and whilst taking the photographs, I wasn't feeling that, once I had returned home, a shift had taken place and I had noticed that. I had remained connected and present to me and what I was feeling throughout and for that I was grateful.

Nature has a way of touching us in a way that sometimes we cannot comprehend, understand or even feel at times. I recognise the disconnect was coming from me, it was I that was repelling nature not nature repelling me.

Feeling blessed that Nature finds it way to touch us at the very heart of us.

Photographs by Andrea George taken using a Nikon coolpix P520.

Removing the mañana mantra and gaining the Carpe diem mantra

With the weather getting wetter and my desire to retreat and shut down, totally to disconnect from the world in which I was in, to be numb, to shun and be void of feelings, which in reality is impossible, even numbness is a feeling. I started to challenge myself to do something, even if it was just to get out of bed, to look at something other than darkness, to feel something other than the comfort of my doona (duvet), to try and connect with my art, to pick up my camera and photograph anything and to think about that process.

The struggle was immense, the fight with self was strong, it was like someone had me magnetically charged and the bed and darkness, were an all powerful magnet that kept me there. I kept telling myself, if I could get out in nature, things would shift. Each day I would wake wanting to go out but then the slightest thing would give me the perfect excuse not to move, it didn't take much to convince me to stay in the warmth. So, out I came with my new mantra - "mañana, mañana, mañana" ("tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow"), procrastination became my bedfellow and clung to me heavily.

Eventually, I broke the "mañana" mantra and exchanged it for the "Carpe diem" ("seize the day") mantra. I seized the day with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. I decided that if I couldn't get out in nature then all I should do, is step outside in the back garden and breathe, listen and be still.

So out I went, in the cold damp air. Then I saw the rain drops on the leaves and branches and I went to get my camera. I wanted to capture what I was seeing, huge goblets of water just dangling on the ends of leaves and branches or proudly sitting there like leaf bubble-wrap.

I took a few and came back in as the heavens started opening again. I checked them out on my computer and felt something was missing on some of them, the brilliance of nature I had felt in the past was lack lustre for me, they were dull, uninteresting and not sharp enough. Initially, I was going to give up for the day, I was back to the "mañana" mantra again and my "Carpe diem" mantra had been seized by the "mañana" mantra enthusiasm. I was frustrated. I was hoping the rain would cease, so that I could go back out and see if I could capture what I was seeing but I wasn't holding out for that hope to come forth.

Eventually the rains did break and I pushed myself to grab my camera and try once more, surely I could get better pictures than the last time. I use a Nikon Coolpix P520 - a great little hybrid, digital camera with many features and amazing zoom capabilities, it can capture the craters and seas on the moon with amazing clarity in the right light. I haven't had this camera long, so I am still exploring all it's features and working out its true potential.

So, there I was thinking about angles, light, position of the sun, focus and working out what I wanted to capture. I kept taking many, playing with different settings, eventually I stopped. I returned to my computer to check the results. There were a few good ones and those I have shared at the beginning of this post.

Even though I was feeling disconnected with everything, I did push through that. I did get some good shots, that I am personally happy with but still want to improve. I got up out of bed. I got into nature, even if it was my back yard. I nourished my self even though it didn't feel like it. Small triumphs -which is good.

Here's to reducing the "mañana" mantra and increasing the "Carpe diem" mantra and those small truimphs, which are huge in reality. Go Carpe diem throughout your day and give mañana the heave ho!

Vivid dreaming

During my absence, I woke after having two vivid dreams on subsequent days. The first dream being extremely strong and powerful was of a the eye of a baby deer and the imagery of an oak leaf imposed around it's eye. The deer was in its natural habitat, it felt like a thick forest and the deer came towards me to take a closer look and appeared to smile. I felt blessed by its presence, it was like we understood each other. The Oak tree presence was strong, green and with many acorns - it felt large and bountiful. I have always had a strong connection with oak trees.

The second dream, the following day, was about giving birth to a baby boy. I should state I am not pregnant nor do I desire to be pregnant at this stage of my life. I do find it interesting that two days, I dreamt about the young, natural states of life in nature, green, strength and feeling blessed. I shared this with my friends on facebook, many of who stated that it pointed to rebirth, new beginnings, birth of something big. My own feelings around this apart from rebirth were;  a definite sense of nurturing, growing, creating, feeling whole, satisfied, firm foundations, refreshed and strong.

Throughout this time my emotions were going on quite a rollercoaster of a ride and I was trying to get to grips with it all. I even deactivated my facebook account to work with the depths of me, I had quite literally become overwhelmed by my emotions, I needed some calm and go within. So, whatever way I could, I pushed through this trying to find different ways to create, to keep connected to me and life, even though I felt the plug had been pulled on my connection. All the time being encouraged by my friend who gave me this challenge. The world needs more encouragers.

These dreams happened about a week ago and since then a few changes have taken place, cataclysmic turn of events and so the cycle has churned once more and I have been presented with a new opportunity. Initially it rocked me, it cut deep, it threw me into turmoil, now I see that whilst devastating as it was, it was not only necessary but vital to the changing of my self and it brought me to a fundamental realisation.

I woke up today with the acceptance and understanding to the fact that:-

I should be able to say/not say, do or not do whatever I like without the need to pussyfoot around anyone, their feelings, worrying about how they will react or the consequences of me saying/not saying or doing/not doing things. If others don't like this, that is theirs to deal with, I am not responsible for how they perceive or react to me and what I say/don't say, do or don't do. I am only responsible for my own reactions and actions. This may sound harsh and tough for others to read but I will no longer apologise for being who I am. No one HAS to like me, accept me, my thoughts, words, actions, inactions, silence, reactions - I am who I am - warts n all - I am human.

So, just when you think the most awful thing has happened to you and that your whole world has just imploded in your face and that it will never be the same, sit with it, keep connected to those emotions, let them coarse through you and let them go, so you can allow the change to naturally progress through.

It's like what happens before during and after a storm. The tension builds to such a level that the pressure becomes too much for the atmosphere to hold and suddenly it explodes, thrashing around, clattering erratically, crashing haphazardly at anything it can hit, deluging everything in sight and then the break happens, clearance comes, all the grime is washed away, the tension has subsided and everything feels refreshed a new, alive and awakened.

Here's to feeling awakened.

Re-visiting my relationship with Food

As I mentioned on day eleven, food has always been nurturing for me, as well as my expression of creating in the Kitchen. Food helps me create, mix, blend, combine art on a plate, as well as connecting me to my depths. For me, when I am feeling in need of a hug or a lift, food is one of the ways I do this. I create meals that not only look good on a plate but also use a wide palette of colours, carefully blended flavours and textures and often share my creations on facebook with my friends.

I love to learn new recipes and then de-construct them, alter them and share them with friends. Sharing my food creations with friends is really what food is about, giving a part of you to others and watching them enjoy. Sometimes the silence of enjoyment is incredibly loud and at other times the cacophony of noises coming from around the table is like a symphony of music. I guess in that respect food really is the music of love.

My Spinach, Ricotta and chives with grilled vine leaf, cherry tomatoes on spelt and sourdough bread with a pomegranate salad dressing is no exception to that rule, it's quite the breakfast dish to serve or even as a light lunch. It's clean, fresh and dances on the tongue with its combination of flavours and textures. Great start to any day or as brunch, when you a hearty cleanse is required and a boost to the day. It always gets me going.

Then there are soups. Soups have been my go to remedy for a hug and nurturing. Originally being from the UK, soups and casseroles were traditionally served in my household throughout the dark, damp, winter months, always warming and comforting and that's still how I associate with soup. In my dark days, the days where it's a struggle to find joy in anything or even when I feel physically ill, soup has been my pick-me-up. They are so simple to do and the combinations are countless but I always feel like I have had the best hug ever and it raises my spirit. It's the one thing I can eat when I really don't feel like anything, so I always make sure I have some home-made soup around for just such occasions. It's good to know I can grab a hug, when I feel like one.

There's nothing quite like a good curry to blast away ills, to feel nurtured, warmed throughout and to awaken the senses. I love curries; Indian, Thai, Malaysian and Cambodian to name a few distinct flavours. i love making them, especially from scratch. Whenever, I have gone on holiday, I can get quite adventurous, trying new foods and flavour combinations, to open my mind to new recipes and evoke memories of a time away from home. Creating recipes that I have had in different countries throughout my travels, re-connects me to that place, the memories, sights, smells and feelings. What better way to help raise vibrations than by creating food that brings back good memories and transports you back to a time and place? I can't think of a better way. That's why sometimes, I put my camera away and just observe connect with the sights and smells and get in touch with my depths. It's an immense joy when a recipe you create in your kitchen takes you to those places, when it matches your memory of that taste.

Curries have also been my go to recipe for when I have cold and coughs, just like soups, not only does it nurture you but it also blasts away the grottiness of coughs and colds. I am able to increase the intensity of the spices heat in the curries during these times, as I can't taste how hot it is. The heat increase literally purges the cold or cough out of me and I recover a lot quicker. Other times, I have curries to lift and boost my spirits.

Then there are desserts! As previously mentioned I have been changing my eating habits and becoming Vegetarian for health reasons. During my absence from blogging and withdrawing privately, I hadn't quite made the full transition. I was invited out during this time to go to one of my favourite places to eat - the Innocent Bystander in Healesville, Victoria. They do create some sumptuous dishes. Great choice and they work with local producers as well as producing some of their own fine wines and alcoholic beverages through the micro brewery, which is part of their restaurant.

Normally when eating out I struggle to eat more than a main but this time, one dessert caught my eye - their Flourless Chocolate cake! Since, I moved to Australia, I have to say, I have been disappointed with most dessert offerings in restaurants, it's rare I find one that I want to try and in the UK, Chocolate cakes have been my downfall, in fact desserts with Chocolate full stop bar Chocolate Ice-cream and Black Forest Gateaus. When I have found one however, it has exceeded my expectations and the Innocent Bystander excelled themselves with this truly orgasmic Flourless Chocolate cake - when I say I nearly re-created the scene from 'When Harry net Sally' you may have some idea just how good this was!

I know have a challenge though. I love making desserts, especially Chocolate mousse, cheesecakes, curds etc but most recipes require sugar and I have made a concerted effort to eradicate sugar out of my diet and keep it in its natural format as much as possible via fruit and honey etc. Now, I am looking at natural alternatives that I can cook with, so I can re-create my favourite desserts that me and my friends love eating.

So, food for me is my creative expression on a plate the very thing that is a true connection to the depths of me, as well as being my undoing through ecstasy in tasting the full gamut of the amazing flavour and texture combinations. Quite simply, it excites me, it moves me, I get it and it gets me.

Photographs by Andrea George using a Nikon Coolpix P520

Where I am at ... update after temporary abscence.

I pulled away from this project for a while. I felt that I needed to withdraw, to privately work on some issues arising from this project. Whilst, I wasn't publicly working on this project and the last few days I did share had changed from previous days. Why? It was as much as I could mentally, emotionally and physically cope with at the time and yet, I wanted to share something publicly at the time. I still wanted to share the depths of me at the time and then the next day, I felt the need to withdraw, to be private with the depths of me, so that I could be clearer with my expressing my depths.

In my absence, I was still working with being in the now, keeping in touch with my feelings, issues and the depths of me. I was also working out my focus, my communication of that and my strong desire not to share publicly. Throughout this time, I had realised that many things were changing for me and that, that in itself wasn't a bad thing to happen, in fact it was necessary for this process to continue.

These realizations rocked my core. I thought I understood myself, my issues and what direction I needed to go in. Everything I thought I knew and understood about myself, was suddenly blasted away into oblivion by one realisation after another and I was left standing in this chasm, stark, open, exceptionally raw and confronting for me. I realized the person I thought I was didn't exist. I had been under quite an illusion. When I started seeing me in regards to all aspects of my life, I actually hated myself!

I saw such an arrogant shit of a human being, carrying so many chips on my shoulders and I needed to drop a hell of a lot of what I had become. I needed to change if I wanted to create meaningful relationships. Fuck, I have so much work to do, it was overwhelming at first. At least, I can take comfort that I have realised this and that I have been given an opportunity to change me for the better. What a beautiful opportunity, as horrible as it is to see myself in a hateful and disgusted way, at least I have seen that.

Yes, it's scary to let go of the 'old me' that I thought was likeable! This shift needed to happen otherwise old patterns will just keep repeating themselves and slapping me in the face. This change will be, is full on, that it will take time and patience to work through things, to not give up, to not return to the comfort of the old self. I am willing to accept there will be people who will not like this change. Already it has started causing ripples within me and to those around me, some good, some bad, along with throwing me into emotional turmoil. Trying my hardest to keep this steady.

Throughout this I have tried to keep connected, albeit privately to this project. Struggling at times to get out of bed or even open my eyes, wanting to hide, to run from being creative. I have had to push through those feelings. To do something each day even if it's getting up and making a cup of coffee and being aware of where I am at.

Throughout this, the friend who gave me this project challenge has gently cajoled me at times to pick up my camera and go out in nature, to take photographs. Even with me feeling so disconnected to life, I did it. Small victory but a necessary one.

As time went by more small triumphs kept emerging. One day I received a compliment on my photography after sharing some old photographs of mine, they told me how they loved me sharing my photographs on Facebook and how much they loved seeing them. It brought a smile to my face and gave me encouragement in what I do. I have also been working on my drawing skills using a pen, whilst also exploring some of the issues that have arisen during this project. I went to post one of my drawings on Facebook and it's face recognition software wanted me to tag the woman in the drawing, as it believed it was an actual person's face! Yes, I really smiled then!

This project has been far from easy but then I didn't expect it to be. I knew I would love it but I never thought I would really struggle with it. I love art and photography, I love exploring, I have a curious mind, so why would I struggle with it? Struggle I did however, I had to fight that, push it away because deep down, this was working on a few levels, even if I didn't like what was arising from my depths, it was helping me let go. So, as much as it irked me, as much as I wrestled with it, I knew it was moving me, changing me, releasing me, all good things.

It has help me reconnect with my creative imagination, which I had lost years ago. It has pushed my own constructed walls on my life, art and photography beyond those boundaries, reaching out beyond that which I believed I was capable of. It has inspired me, pushed me to want to improve my art and photography, it has connected me to self, it has woken me up. I want to be a better photographer and artist, I want to keep pushing back those boundaries till there are none, to create amazing art, I want to quite simply push my self in every way.

More than anything though, I want to work on me, to create me!

Things, I have learnt so far;

• When I think I know everything - I will know nothing
• When I think I know who I am - I will realise that I am not that person
• When I struggle - there is always a triumph waiting to be discovered
• When I push myself further than the blocks I surround myself with - It's an opportunity awaiting me that is vital for change
• Most importantly - I CAN do this!

I have decided to do a few posts to bring everything up to date and share what I have been creating privately in my absence.