Why was I being so stubborn and fickle? Why did I not want to heal? Why did I not want to find the joy I have often gained through being in nature, to feel the lift and let my spirits soar? Last time I was there, in the back yard I felt a disconnection between nature and I and that disheartened me. I actually feared not being able to enjoy nature in the way I had previously. I didn't want to feel that disconnection, it was painful to face, I had already endured so many disconnections and this felt like a bridge too far.
So, I sat and wallowed again. Then I got talking with my friend, who had given me the challenge and she wanted me, in fact urged me to get out in nature, told me that the disconnect wasn't real. I was ropeable, I was swearing at the screen, frustrated and chowing down hard on my stubbornness. I wouldn't be going out no matter what! I was quite adamant about that. Yet, there I was moving towards the shower, swearing like a trooper and insisting I wasn't going out today.
Needless to say, I showered, got dressed, grabbed my camera and tripod, still swearing I might add, still insisting this wasn't happening and walking towards the front door. Out I went, walking and swearing, no idea where I was going to commune with nature but allegedly communing with nature I was going to do no matter how much my mind was against it. I got to a point not far from where I am staying and made a decision to take a different route, still swearing I might add.
I was walking along locked in my own stubborn mind, swearing away, quite loudly I might add, not muttering it under my breath, when I saw some Toadstools and thought I had better get out my camera and start the communing. As I turned, so did an older male back in the direction he had come from. My thoughts were that he either suspected, that I was suffering from PMS and was in a murderous state of mind and therefore dangerous to be around, or had some mental health issue and I had been let out unsupervised, or I had a severe case of Tourettes syndrome or all three! Whichever, he thought he made his escape before he got caught up in my tirade of expletives. I have to say I did cackle at the thought of whatever was crossing his mind.
I started to photograph like a crazed, possessed woman, the wet weather had spawned a variety of toadstools over a large area, with many different varieties, I got quite lost in it all, probably not a bad thing considering, how much I was swearing still. However, I noted I was getting frustrated, I wanted to get some amazing macro shots with my hybrid Nikon Coolpix P520. I had been working on refining this for clearer, sharper shots, so I was challenging myself to do this more often and see if I couldn't improve my macro shots. The toadstools were perfect for this.
After a while I retreated and carried on walking, still swearing I might add but it had now become a quiet muttering rather than a torrid, loud spew. I always want to get some shots of the wonderful and varied birds we have here n Australia and I knew that this walk may give me that opportunity. I also like it that if I am out in nature, I find a water connection. For me, water is so cleansing. As I was walking along a bicycle and walk way that met up with a creek, the water connection was a given. I hadn't been this way before, so I decided to see how far I would go but to stay out as long as I could, well at least until my swearing and frustration had subsided.
Along the way, I took photographs of trees, birds, flowers, more toadstools, water, even spiders webs on trees. Sadly, I didn't see the more colourful birds we have, here in Australia. I attempted to listen to the sounds around me, it frustrated me a little, that I couldn't completely relax, drop my frustration, feel the full connection and wonderment that I normally do with nature. I wanted to just sit but as the grass was damp and I couldn't find a bench, away from road areas to just sit and meditate, I gave up on that idea, much to my disappointment. Yes, I was still swearing by the time I had decided to return back to the place I was staying, it had calmed a little but the desire to return back was stronger than the desire to hang for a while longer. I was still feeling like this had been a futile exercise for me. I still felt disconnected in some way.
However, I did draw some triumphs from this; I had gone out and got out into nature, I had taken photographs - over 195 to be precise in over 3 hours of walking, I had practised my macro shots and worked on improving them. Now I was returning home to look at them on my computer. I transferred them and started looking at them. One photograph I had hoped would turn out fantastic didn't. I will return to re-take the shots of what I had seen and that had made me smile.
When I looked at the photographs, I liked them, I wasn't completely wowed by them all, so I selected about 30 to share on facebook with my friends, that I was quite pleased with. The swearing had subsided and I was feeling more relaxed. Perhaps nature had touched me after all and connected on a level, I hadn't felt.
You may be thinking how does this connect with the depths of me. Well, even negative emotions and feelings are a part of me, it is a connection that I was feeling at that moment and whilst taking the photographs, I wasn't feeling that, once I had returned home, a shift had taken place and I had noticed that. I had remained connected and present to me and what I was feeling throughout and for that I was grateful.
Nature has a way of touching us in a way that sometimes we cannot comprehend, understand or even feel at times. I recognise the disconnect was coming from me, it was I that was repelling nature not nature repelling me.
Feeling blessed that Nature finds it way to touch us at the very heart of us.
Photographs by Andrea George taken using a Nikon coolpix P520.
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