Wetlands Walk: The blessings and lessons keep rolling on ....

Facebook cover style compilation of Photographs from the Wetlands walk; Fungus, Prickles, rushes. Photographs taken by Andrea George using a Nikon Coolpix P520

Compilation of Photographs from the Wetlands walk; Moon, Daffodils, Purple-headed swamp hen, Fungus, withered plant, Haunting woods, Sleepy Hollow, Bull-rush. Photographs taken by Andrea George using a Nikon Coolpix P520

After my 8km walk, the next day, I had the opportunity to go for another walk, this time I was going to be sharing it with someone, who also loves walking in nature and taking photographs. I was still aching from my walk yesterday, however, I decided it would be good to walk the pain out. So, I took up the "Carpe Diem" (seize the day) mantra and bit the bullet, taking up the opportunity to share a walk with someone. Normally, when I walk out in nature, I prefer my own company, so if I want to be silent, to go slow, to take forever to get past a certain point due to taking photographs like a possessed woman, I can. This time, I thought, I would be open to sharing the walk, the time and chance with someone. This was either going to work out or go horribly wrong, either way, I was surrendering to the opportunity of sharing with someone along with them deciding where we were going to walk in nature. Yes, I was secretly freaking out and hyperventilating at this prospect, I know how much I enjoy my own walks in nature and I wondered how sharing that experience would work out - ah well, I was on the road to a new discovery - FUCK! What have I let myself in for?!!!!!! (Yes, that was precisely what my mind was screaming - I don't believe my eyes were popping out at that thought but if they were, I hope THEY didn't see that!)

After breathing through my fears and arriving at the chosen destination, we got out of the car and headed towards our walk. We were at some Wetlands, near Jells Park, Victoria, Australia. I was excited, I love Wetlands as they mean lots of flaura and fauna. YES!!!!!!!!!!! Good start, calm had return to my panicked brow, however , that lasted all of 10 mins, as my walking companion decided to head off in another direction to me. I stood stunned for a moment and wrestled with it in my head. I had no working phone, so no way of contacting them in case of an issue or we lost each other, I started to breathe deeply, to rationalise my madness - yup, I was going slightly off the Richter scale of madness at the moment and I could feel a few hearty FUCKS brewing from deep within. Sure, enough out they came, "FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!! For Flippin' FUCKSAKE!!!!! WHAT THE BLEEDIN" FUCK?!!!!!! HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?!!!!!! WHAT PART OF THIS IS FUCKIN" SHARING???!!!!! I"M SO FUCKING CONFUSED!!!!!! FUCKIN" MARVELLOUS!!!!!"

Now, whilst I was swearing like a well oiled sailor, it slowly calmed my mind and in came rational thinking, well my special kind of rational thinking! That train of thought went like this; "Okay, well I guess I wanted to walk on my own (see be careful what you wish for you may just get it!) I also did say that this was about their choice and what they wanted to do, I guess they wanted to explore on their own too. I mean this is still sharing the experience even if we go different ways, it's not like we have to be conjoined twins or anything, is it? No. So, I might as well keep communing with nature on my own till we meet up and we can have fun at seeing each other's photographs when we get back from the walk, how cool is that? It's cool right? Yup. Cool. So keep calm and carry on, what will be will be, breathe and just be!" I started to realise that we will meet up at some stage, it didn't matter where or when but we would find each other at some stage.

Sheesh! I had turned into my own 'walk the walk, talk the talk' counsellor. Fucking hilarious and yes, I realise now you can all see how my crazy mind works - note this is also a mere glimpse of my crazy mind in a moment. Meh! All good. I am comfortable with that, unlike the moment of panic when my walking companion and I separated.

So, I continued on my walk being led to stop and sit, meditate by a lake and just listen to the sounds around me. I sat there for about twenty minutes and when I opened my eyes, I saw a few brightly coloured fungus, spawning from around the lake's boardwalk. I lay on my stomach to get some macro shots of them and kept listening, by now I was completely calmed down from my mad panic of earlier. I decided to keep walking a bit longer, eventually I came to a small turn off, towards a bird hide. I sat in the bird hide overlooking another lake and then after a few moments decided to move on. A few steps further and there was my walking companion, smiling that they had found me. Interesting, had we both panicked over the separation? Perhaps.

We decided to walk back in the direction from which they had come and now back together again, we started photographing similar scenes and chatting about things we had seen during the separation. Up to this point I hadn't been able to photograph any birds, I had some beautiful glimpses of Fairy Wrens (which are endangered due to the destruction of the natural Australian bush habitat and gardens using palms and cactus plants which they do not like) and Wagtails.

Eventually I managed to capture a purple-headed swamphen, alongside that I had a very enjoyable day and I saw lots of birds - Wagtails, Fairy wrens, Swallows, Geese most were either in flight and to quickly in passing to capture. I just had the joy of seeing and hearing the sounds of nature, along with the bellows of frogs, the beautiful song of a Bell Bird and the odd warble. Blessed, soulful day, shared with someone. Most importantly however, I learnt, how to accept that what I think will happen, may not happen, how to be, to relax and enjoy things as they are, not as I think the should be and to truly believe that all will eventually work out the way it is meant to be. Oh and we were both happy with our Photographs. Truly blessed day.

Photographs taken by Andrea George using a Nikon Coolpix P520

Post Bastardom and walking!

Compilation of Photographs from 8km Walk, Kookaburras, Flowers, moss, Autumn leaves, Parakeets, trees, duck, Cockatoos. Photographs by Andrea George taken using a Nikon Coolpix P520

Kookaburra's in a Gum Tree. Photographs taken by Andrea George using a Nikon Coolpix P520

After I had written my long blog post: :-  "Bastardom! Remaining authentic, aware and connected. Observations from within." I felt physically drained and yes, I also accept, I too was being judgemental. I was in a quandary, on one hand I felt like doona (duvet) diving and closing the world off altogether and on the other, I also felt like going for a walk. I was considering going along the track, I had been on when I swore all the time, as mentioned in my post "Touched by Nature." I ummed and arggh about it for about an hour. I hit the bed but I was unsettled, I heard an inner voice saying, "Get up Woman! Go out and Walk! You need to get out and be in nature! It will do your soul some good!" So, I dragged myself out from under the doona (duvet), threw myself in the shower, got dressed, grabbed my camera and tripod.

It was a nice day, the sun was out for a change. We had, had a few wet days and as I can't drive because of my epilepsy being uncontrolled, looking like a drowned rat, as you know, is not my preferred option! When I got to the walking trail, the mushrooms from the last visit had diminished. This walk was just about enjoying the walk, I didn't care about taking photographs.

This time, was about walking as far as I could go and back again, to go slow, to listen, to be, silent in nature and enjoy whatever, I discovered along the way. Well, two minutes into my walk, I heard the familiar cackle of the Kookaburra. Where were they? I slowed down even more and then I saw them. I pleaded silently with the Kookaburra's, 'Please I'm getting my camera out. Stay where you are and pose. Pose for my Camera, you know you want to!'

Yes! They stayed and they posed, albeit slightly obstructed by a tree branch but the fact they stayed and let me capture them with my camera made my heart sing. I had the biggest grin ever on my face. I am quite the excitable twitcher, I love seeing and hearing birds, watching them fly, rest, and land etc. Today, was going to be a 'bird' day!

As these Kookaburra's were slightly obstructed, I decided to be thankful I had seen them and that it didn't matter if the photographs were good or not. Today was simply about going slow and enjoying the sights and sounds. Great photography was not my goal, today it was about enjoying the peace and tranquillity, being out in nature, no expectations, just breathing, just being, connecting, just listening and bringing it all into my awareness.

I continued on my walk, observing the joggers, cyclists, dog walkers, families on bikes and other walkers, all going at a much faster pace than me. It was good to see so many people out and about. Last time, I walked this track, it was very much male dominated, today there was a good mix of all ages and genders.

I noted I was smiling, as I walked, I was in my happy place, in nature listening to the most beautiful birdsong that was surrounding me and trickling of water, nothing else mattered. A little further down the track, by a huge lake, not only were there ducks but also some more Kookaburra's sitting in a gum tree. These two were unobstructed, unlike the last two. I smiled and got my camera out. These two were huge posers and ensured I got some awesome photographs of the day.

For those of you that don't know, I am gravitationally challenged, I stand all of 4ft 11 inches and this can cause angles and proximity of camera lens to the subject troublesome at times. I recall a time I was with friends in Port Macquarie awaiting for the moon to rise above the trees. After a small wait, everyone was telling me they could see the moon clearly above the trees. I was puzzled, I couldn't. Then I noted they were standing further back, so I went over to where they were, nope I still couldn't see the moon over the trees, then I hit the deck laughing. I realised my height was obscuring the view my friends were seeing of the moon. It then dawned on them and they grabbed a step ladder so I could have their view - yes my friends love to point out how short I am, it gave us all a good laugh. Five minutes after they had seen the moon over the trees I got to see it clearly, it was worth the wait, as you can see from the photographs below:

Photographs showing the moon in April 2014, Port Macquarie. Photographs by Andrea George taken using a Nikon Coolpix P520

So, when I am out and about, even though my beautiful hybrid Nikon Coolpix P520 camera has an amazing 42x wide optical zoom, my height can interfere with the angles and positioning to get some truly awesome photographs. I am learning to work with that and adapt accordingly and at the same time, to be happy that I have seen or heard something worth shooting, even if I didn't get the shot I wanted. However, this pair of Kookaburra's were in a good spot for me and my gravitationally challenged body.

As, I moved through the trail, listening to sounds, going slow as I can, more and more of the birds in the trees were being revealed to me; Cockatoos, Kookaburras, Lorikeets, Parakeets, Swallows, Ducks, Magpies, Rosellas, Gallahs and Ibis, some I photographed, others I just chose to observe. I also observed the people on my walk, it's just an observation of mine but on a walking trail like this, it amazes me how many people are in such a rush to keep moving and don't get to see, the birds, flaura and fauna I have. Even when I am standing photographing them, no one stops and stares in wonderment, they keep moving. I guess we have different agendas for being on the trail but it did bring into my awareness how much we can miss in our lives. Observing rather than taking photographs on this walk was bringing so many smiles to my face. My smiles started becoming infectious, others were beaming back at me, some stopped and chatted to me, whilst others made remarks as they flew past on their cycles. Yes, my vibrational energy was very different to my "Bastardom!" and "Touched by Nature" posts and yes, it was having a different affect on those around me.

I was still being true to the depths of me in that moment, it was exactly how I felt, what I was aware of, it was where I wanted to be there and then and it was good to have that awesome connection with nature. Yes, a cathartic shift from within was running its natural course, I had managed to disperse the negativity and negative feelings by bringing them into my awareness and moving them through, letting them go and now, just like any storm, the calm and clarity was shinning through. I was slowly opening up to other opportunities, looking at moving onto the next chapter and finalising the last few left-over actions.

I had been through some tough moments, facing old issues and whilst they haven't gone completely and I was getting flashbacks from them, they were becoming more manageable for me and so next steps were becoming a vivid reality. Getting out in nature, as I have eluded to in my previous posts, enables me to help the huge transformation I have been going through to keep moving, to become aware of where I am at in any given moment and to face some harsh realities and truths. Facing those truths has been quite an eye opener and they really have stripped me back to the core, helping me realise what I have needed to change, grasp hold of and to remain humble by the lessons and blessings, I have received throughout.

This walk in nature was no different, except the vibrational energy was much gentler, than previous walks. I also didn't crave or felt I needed to be here, I was happy to just simply be there. The air and energy was clean and fresh, it wasn't cold, simply cleansing and refreshing, like it was sweeping away old energy and replenishing it with new energised vibrations. I kept walking and walking, wanting to see more and more. I got fairly close to the foot of the Dandenong ranges. I can remember a while back, that this was a small goal I had in the back of my mind, to reach the foot of the Dandenong ranges. At that time it seemed like a huge undertaking but one I felt, I would eventually do. This day, I was close to achieving that, I had come a long way, I had got back to walking more regularly, getting out, setting goals, feeling good.

I was so absorbed by the walk and enjoying it, I hadn't noticed the sun was beginning to set, time to say thank you for today and make the return journey. By the time, I got back to where I was staying, I had roughly walked 8km. That was a great walk for me, so many beautiful connections, happy moments, sights and sounds.

Feeling blessed by the green spaces we have in the State of Victoria and that I can go out and enjoy all that it has to offer.

Photographs taken by Andrea George using a Nikon Coolpix P520

DAY THIRTEEN: Eighteen boxes and counting; My life in a box!

Eighteen Boxes and Counting; My Life in a Box!

Contemplating my life in my box

Today, I spent hours at the storage facility, where my items are currently being kept. When I ended my relationship, I had no place of my own to go to, I was homeless.

Thanks to some amazingly beautiful friends, I have been able to keep off the streets by staying on couches and some beds, whilst I sort out the mess that became my life. They also helped me move my items from my old house and help me find this storage place. During this time as many of you know, I also became quite depressed, I have faced up to some harsh realities about me, my life, my attitude, my relationships, my issues from the past. At times this has been undeniably overwhelming but with each passing day, through my art, photography and blog, I am gaining the strength to rebuild my life and create it the life I would like.

The breakdown of my relationship has actually given me the most amazing opportunity to grow, change, simplify and reflect on my life, as well as dealing with issues I have ignored for so long.

I don't own much, pretty much all I have fits into 25 archive boxes (400mm x 315mm x 247mm, 31 Litres), with a few items like my Easels not boxed. So, this really is my life in a box hence my looks. These pictures contain eighteen archive boxes. The only furniture I had was one 3 drawer cube and a computer chair.

Today, was huge emotionally, I let go of so much, not just items but old clutter that had emotional ties to my past. Amongst them were some happy moments and time with some beautiful friends during a break from de-cluttering. Feels good to have got this done and finalised. Now, I can work on finding a place to live.

Photographs by Andrea George taken using a Nikon Coolpix P520

Bastardom! Remaining authentic, aware and connected. Observations from within.

"I AM BASTARD!" Pen drawing by Andrea George

I accept that what is posted in throughout my blog and posts, are my resonance, understanding a truth for me at this present time on being authentic. It is merely my opinion, feelings, thoughts and emotions and no one has to accept my opinion. I am merely expressing where I am in a given moment and my thoughts, feelings and emotions in that moment. I am no guru or authority on any of the subjects, I am merely an observer of my own truths and resonance.

Yesterday, I started off listening to my country, folk, indie and jazz playlist. It was a great start to my day, so soulful and vibrant, great energy flowed within me. It was good to feel this. Over the last few days, I have been swinging from being okay and coping reasonably well, to being creative, to doona (duvet) diving and shutting out the world, whilst acknowledging where I am at within myself. Yes, I am still going through the rollercoaster ride.

I am dealing with my issues, in my own unique way, through music, art, reading, connecting with friends and getting out in nature to raise the vibrations within me. I do this to expunge the crud and negativity that is part of  my self. I recognize and I am aware of my negative vibrations and I actually don't see this as a bad thing. To me it means that I am connected to the core of me. That I am actively seeking solutions, dealing with matters as they arise, no matter how dark they are.

Through this process, I have had old issues arise, that haven't been dealt with effectively, hence their hedonistic, hell raising return. Ignore things at your peril! This morning was no different in that respect, as I was enjoying my pleasant morning, listening to my music, I felt a strong urge to create the dark image featured at the top of this post "I AM BASTARD!" I ended up re-creating him as a trio and shared him on facebook with the words ""I AM BASTARD!" started off with a peaceful morning when this fucker pops in my head! Out now, so get fucked and leave!"

Note, these words were not said in anger but from a place of strength and empowerment. It was me stating that I had faced him and he no longer had power over me. I am not the victim of his actions, thoughts or words against me. The face depicted is symbolic rather than the face of someone real and his heavy set, foreboding presence and deliberate blurring of his features are just as symbolic. Not longer after a page on facebook called, "Your Beautiful Life" posted this quote by Steve Maraboli ...

Not long after, I read another post that I interpreted as speaking to me. In the post it discussed a popular held belief by those who follow 'abundance/positivity' ideologies. It said that in order for change to take place it must be done from a different vibration than the one you are currently vibrating in. Many other things were mentioned in that post and it irked me but I didn't know why. I decided not to respond but to take my own advice of sitting with that feeling and letting it flow through until I understood why it irked me.

During this thought process and connecting with my self, I came up with a vision of one of my own photographic art works, created earlier in this blog and of only showing the eyes, whilst changing the pupils to a mythical creatures pupils. I decided to create this ...

"Glimpse" Photographic creation by Andrea George

Again I posted this on facebook with the words "A mere glimpse does not reveal the whole picture." Yes, I share lots on facebook, in fact I share lots on facebook in spurts. At the moment due to a change in my life circumstances and my phone dying on me, it is one of the only real time connections to my friends, another is email.

Yes, I know I can get out and meet people too and I do. That's my point about the glimpse - I may look like I am on facebook 24/7 but the reality is different. I don't share everything I do on facebook and I do have a life outside facebook. However, as we are in the winter season at the moment, wet days with heavy winds are frequent, so staying indoors and the warmth has also increased. Note due to my epilepsy being uncontrolled I don't drive, getting wet constantly and battling winds isn't my preferred option, I love being out just not as a drowned rat.

I don't watch TV, I rarely read the papers, I do read books, listen to music, create art, enjoy my photography, connect with friends (via facebook and outside of that), make recipes ( my creativity in the Kitchen) go out in nature and fuck me, I have a fucking life!

So why did the post irk me and does it any more? Well, I do like to keep things fucking real, honest, raw and unapologetic. We deny too much of our World and being a spiritual soul, I am highly sensitive to emotions and vibrations.

I do get upset about cruelty and it angers me, when I see anything being mistreated, whether it's a human, animal or flaura. Destruction of our world has become the biggest denial by mankind in our modern world, we are shielded from that pain and harm by our concrete jungle.

Here's the reality though - should I deny my fucking anger and despair at the world and not bring that into awareness, to let it dissipate as it coarses through me or should I be all loving, gentle, peaceful and focus only on the positive?  The answer is all will happen and to allow all states of consciousness of self will bring into reality the authentic self. To deny any emotion is to deny self and your authenticity.

Whilst people are entitled to their opinions and to express them, I have a choice on how I react to them. However, it's important when expressing opinions, it will be dependent on where the reader/receiver is at in that given moment. Sometimes the words are received with the gentle intention of love, in which it was written. There is a possibility, that the words will create the opposite effect and stir the very thing in which it was not intended to do - anger, hurt, pain, frustration to name a few reactions.

Having love and concern for a friend/neighbour/lover/child/parent is all good and well and you always want with the best of intentions for them to improve themselves and not to suffer pain. Here's the things though, as hard as it is to watch someone take a wrong turn (in your humble opinion), to suffer pain, how do we not know that this is what is necessary for them at this time - we don't? The best thing you can do for that person, is to let them be, let them discover, how to deal with their own darkness, let them grow in their own light and if they ask for your help then be there for them. Yes, it's hard to stand and watch someone destroy themselves but how wonderful is it to see them rise again after finding their own way out.

So, whose issue is it that the post was received not in its original intention, is it the writer's or reader's/receiver's? Both - the writer for being ambiguous with their words in the post and assuming the advice is needed and the reader's for their interpretation and reaction to the words. I understand through my sitting with my feelings and reactions, that the post was done with the intention of love and desire to bring to others, awareness of their vibrational reality and how it can affect them. The intention was not the issue.

The issue was the ambiguity of the post and the assumption that direction was needed and that upon first reading it appeared to be coming from a place of judgement and superiority. The issue with me as that reader was my reaction to it and the hurt of being judge and misunderstood. Through sitting with this these initial feelings have dissipated.

That being said, it is a truth for me that we do not know what battles or demons others are facing nor can we ever fully appreciate or understand what goes on behind closed doors or in the mind of another, not even if we have travelled a similar path. Even my blog and posts could be taken the wrong way. I am expressing my opinions and feelings on something that has arisen at a given moment in time, the thought processes, my feelings and how I no longer feel it upsets me. I accept it as an opinion from someone whose intention was from a place of love and desire to bring awareness to actions, thoughts and emotions.

Even writing this post has helped me work through my own, thoughts, feelings and expressions. In fact throughout yesterday, posts came up that resonated with me on and around this subject. I include a compilation of them here ...

Top left: Jim Morrison's quote on reality and pain as shared by Butterflies and pebbles, Photograph by Nomadic Lass. Top Right: Panache Desai quote on emotions. Bottom Left: Picture of rabbit in the woods ( artist unknown). Butterflies and Pebbles quote on the inside, Photo by Susanne Nilsson

The Jim Morrison quote expresses beautifully to what I have been eluding through in this blog, to deny your feelings is to give into the conditioning by society and deny self an opportunity of love and being authentic to self. Panache Desai, says it quite simply, emotions are energy within us, energy moves ergo emotion moves us, changes us, runs through us, they are not static or unchanging , they evolve like us. Butterflies and pebbles quote eludes to us being made of water, a great ocean within, tidal, moving, ebbing and flowing, changing and evolving. The rabbit picture comes with this beautiful quote:

I was sad one day and went for a walk;
I sat in a field.
A rabbit noticed my condition and
came near.
It often does not take more than that to help at times -
to just be close to creatures who
are so full of knowing,
so full of love
that they don’t
- chat,
they just gaze with
their
marvellous understanding.
~ St. John of the Cross

As, I eluded to earlier, often nothing more than simply being there for a friend is all that is required, no words, just sitting, being there gazing and understanding, letting them be and letting them know you hear them, being silent speaks volumes.

 I want to also explain how this blog, my art, photography, listening to music, connecting with friends, communing with nature, reading and cooking help change my vibrations. In order for me to do that, I would like to try and convey, how in the past, I would deal with things, my darkness and how that has altered.

I used to bottle up my negativity, push all 'bad things' and suppress them to my inner depths of my psyche. I only concentrated on 'counting my blessings.' I had been conditioned from an early age, that you don't air your 'dirty laundry' in public! For a while, everything was so hunky-dory, it was almost like a scene that had stepped right out of the "Stepford Wives" and I can hear Julie Andrews saying "Practically perfect in every way!"

Now I'm more like a well oiled sailor and more likely to say, "Get Fucked!" or "Get fuckin' real love!" or "Grow some fuckin' guts love and tell 'em like it is!" I know for some a step too far! The point is whilst my 'Stepford Wife' life ticked along underneath a potent brew of Volcanic proportions was beginning to bubble, to stir and rise. It was beginning to show cracks and steam, eventually this lead to a complete breakdown. I had a nuclear meltdown of epic proportions and the Volcanic pressure cooker spewed its contents into my perfect world of serenity and calm, I had become catastrophically unhinged. Yes, I collapsed into a world of depression and suicide, I was 26 years old, married and a mother of three children under five years old.

Sure, there were physical factors that exacerbated the enormity of this. I had descended into my own personal hell and I had no idea how to get out of this. I was locked in a darkness of terror, powerful imagery and the constant whirring of my mind. Eventually, I found the power to unlock it but it wasn't until after months of struggling with medications that I felt numbed me and virtually cut off all connectivity.

Some would argue that depression is the severing of your connection to the world. I would argue it's the disconnection to a part of your psyche that severs the connection and it is this connection of self that is often ignored and shunned, disregarded by modern medicine as not necessary.

The medications were for me, my severance to the world and a descent further into my hell. Sure, medications have their place to a point and they were working on some level, even if they made me unemotional.

I became increasingly frustrated with being on the medications and seeing a Psychiatrist - I wanted to discover the root of my depression. In my Psychiatric sessions all I did was regurgitate answers according to the Psychiatrist questions, thoughts vented and medications prescribed, see you next week attitude.

For me, I didn't want to vent, to wallow, I wanted to be alive, I wanted to feel, to emote and wanted to know why I was locked in this hell? How it had happened? How to get out of it! Eventually, after attempting suicide, coming extremely close to death and some six angry weeks later, I had a breakthrough. Well, at least I was feeling angry by now, I dug in deep and started pulling myself out of the murky depths, started pushing back the boundaries, re-connecting and finding a deep desire to live.

The exact details of how I did this are a little murky, the point is I became aware of the need for change, my anger had propelled me to desire and become aware, to realise, I was the only fucker that would get me out of this! I was going to face my fears, breakthrough and fight for my life!

Did you read that? It was my 'Anger' that brought me into awareness and realisation! It wasn't a positive emotion but it had become a positively charged emotion to propel change from within. This is why we cannot deny our darkness, our negative emotions and reactions. It is often the negative emotions positively charged that propel change and that we find our strength from within, we become empowered to change.

As an artist and spiritual being, I now recognise to deny any part of me is to deny my authenticity. Hell, this is what this fuckin' project and challenge is all about - connecting to self in a given moment! That's my point, it's a mere glimpse of where I am in a moment. It's not where I am staying, it's not me wallowing, it's me bringing me into my awareness, of the depths of me in that moment. Accepting it, letting it go and once it has been acknowledge, it passes through and dissipates like the moment, it's gone.

Yes, I may feel angry a moment later but it has changed, it has altered, like the next moment does. Going through this huge transformation, as I have been doing, dealing with issues as they arise, dealing and living my life, the change doesn't happen overnight, change evolves over time.

We are constantly changing and evolving, in awareness, in a natural flow and it doesn't have to be a cataclysmic event that causes this. It just so happened to be the case for me. So, when I create, I create a moment, a moment of me, it's my soul barred for all to see, my emotions, feelings, thoughts poured out energetically. Once I have created they have passed on. So abundance/positivity has its place balanced with keeping it real - how?

It's like sparks - sparks can be caused by a sudden powers surge or by friction against another object. Positivity/abundance are akin to the power surge, its's bright and powerful as it surges but once discharged, it fades, you need a new power surge to keep it rolling, for if abundance/positivity doesnt bring about that change interest is lost. Friction on the other hand causes a fire to ignite, creating a deep burning, that deep burning destroys the old to ashes and creates a new state of being. The embers keep burning unless starved of oxygen or smothered by sand. True that fire can get out of hand, if the friction becomes to great and you keep adding to it without being aware of what is happening, that's the locking into a personal hell.  Becoming aware of self in the moment, where we are at, acknowledging, being and letting go will help to remain authentic to our self. So feel the whole gamut of emotions, keep the connection going.

Being a spiritual being doesn't mean, I have to be all light, sweetness and full of fluffiness, hell no! I keep it real, connected to my rawness and that includes raising my middle finger and placing a well meant, hearty "Fuck you fuckers!" in there at any given moment. It's not about being angry, vulgar or aggressive, it's about empowering and reclaiming me.

Here's to all my emotions, keeping it real, being empowered, reclaiming my power and ground with all the glory of bastardom and a well meant, "FUCK!"

I would like to leave you with this quote:

"Stars can't shine without darkness"

DAY TWELVE: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Back to painting my face. Today has been quite a creative day, which I am pleased about. It started off with a meditation and a vision of a Dragon, associated with Strength, which I did and completed as a Pen Drawing.

Then I created a cruelty free tribal tattoo for my neck, the lines need to be cleaner but I am fairly happy with the design.

Finally came forth the Tiger and the desire to return to painting my face. I have been reading a book called "Waking the Tiger." It is about dealing with trauma, something which has been arising in my issues, since I started this project. I actually don't see this as a bad thing, it's about time, I faced these inner demons. The book I am reading explains trauma and how trauma in the animal world rarely occurs in the wild, however, humans do suffer from trauma and in many forms.

I have only started reading this but I like the ideas, thoughts and concepts already expressed in the book.

So, why "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" - well it's interesting, I hadn't made the connection to my drawing of my dragon this morning till I heard the words of this for my art photo shoot and I wondered why that sprung to mind. I did some research and it turns out that the crouching tiger, hidden dragon symbolism relates to passions, talents hidden within us all and seeking them out. It comes from an ancient Chinese poem by Yu Xin. In that poem it says "behind the rock in the dark probably hides a tiger, and the coiling giant root resembles a crouching dragon."

Both symbols for me are quite strong and come from a place of strength and empowerment. The book "Waking the Tiger" talks about how unspent energy freezes us and brings about trauma and it's not until that unspent energy is diffused can the trauma be healed. He describes how he gave a woman, who was suffering from severe panic attacks and agoraphobia, the image of a tiger chasing her. She screamed, trembled and her legs moved as if she was running from the imaginary tiger. She never had panic attacks again and the agoraphobia dissipated. The unspent energy that had locked her in trauma had been released by this powerful imagery.

I have had fun releasing my own dragon and tiger and feel their energy within me, their strength and empowerment.

I do feel more creations are on their way. Productive day all round.

Creation and Photographs by Andrea George using a NIkon Coolpix P520

Anger Explosion - losing it!

"The Devil" Pen Drawing by Andrea George

"She Devil Vampire" Acrylics on canvas by Andrea George

Wow! What a day so far! I know I wanted to get back to the original intention of this project, to create a photograph each day showing the depths of me at any given moment but sheesh, I never imagined the gamut of emotions that would come rolling over me in such a short space of time. I have been working through my issues with this and emotions are a big part of that and by enlarge they have been reasonably okay to deal with. Today however, everything was powerfully strong, immense need to cry. I was incredibly unsettled not sure what was happening when I woke up - totally overwhelmed by wanting to pace, immense nervous energy, need to breath deeply and feelings running rampant like electricity through my body. Then, I did cry and cry out loud, I was at wailing cry point, it just released in a huge flooded wave. Moments later, it all came crashing down in a rage of torrid anger. I was air boxing like a possessed woman, my music was blasting out and then I broke, I screamed and turned to my notebook. I wanted to write a poem but couldn't, it was then I snatched my sketch book and manically produced the dark featured pen drawing of "The Devil." He was the Machiavellian persona staring back at me created through such strong anger, anger which had now subsided, once I had finished drawing him.

So, welcome to "The Devil." After going through the gamut of emotions this morning, along with a panic attack and extreme anger, this drawing came forth in a mad explosion. He's not part of the characters I have been trying to produce. This was a crazed, manic drawing after I became extremely angered. So as we have been going through a mercury retrograde, it's poignant that he should arise. Also the fact that I have felt and in many ways still feel quite restricted and constrained by my current situation. I recognise, I have the power to change this and take action in order to shift this feeling of restriction. Yes, I do see myself as bound by my current conditions and I am slowly finding ways and the strength to break those shackles that I put upon myself. this perfectly demonstrates that if you allow to remain connected to the depths of you, you will see and hear your truth. A powerful lesson in connection to the depths of self and allowing the flow of emotions to run through you.

Underneath him is his female bedfellow "She Devil Vampire" also another exercise I did dealing with anger. It was again cathartically painted after I did a series of photographic self portraits, quite literally screaming at the camera. I then created the "She devil Vampire" based on one of those self portraits, as yet she remains unfinished but I kinda like that. It's like as soon as I got her out onto canvas the anger dissipated, very much like "The Devil" above.

Pen drawing and Photograph by Andrea George, taken using a Nikon Coolpix P520

Creational Spurts, Soul Garden and Emotional rollercoaster!

Ma'halia

Compilation of Photographs at Alfred Nichols Gardens by the lake, Dandenong Ranges, Victoria, Australia.

My Koru necklace a symbol of new beginnings.

So, I have written here for a while. I wanted to write when I had created three characters, I have been working on, two female and one male. So, far, I have completed one; "Ma'halia." the other two have been hovering in the background, awaiting for me to grip my brushes and finish them. These characters have come out of nowhere following on from my exploration into symbolism. They were quite clear, strong, joyful characters. Each with their own distinctive style. As I was creating the characters and their scenery, a fourth came into my mind, another female, unlike the others which appear full bodied in my mind, so far I am only seeing her head.

My usual visual moments are as I am waking and in a flash bang I can see them. During this creational spurt, I also envisioned, stylised symbols for the zodiac, for now they will have to wait. Alongside these characters, has been two large canvases just urging me to create upon them and their visions are vivid as my other creations. With the large canvases, I have been working on the compositions, which is not my usual approach for my art works, only for large canvases, it helps me focus on proportions and scale. With my usual art works, I can create without the composition process, as I am able to take what's in my mind's eye and produce them accordingly. I believe this is because I am used to working with the sizes of the canvases.

Since, I last updated my blog I have started two pages on facebook. One to share my Art and Photography along with this blog and another to share my Spirit Guide drawings - like "Silas." I have been an intuitive reader for many years, since I was 21 years old. However, my connection with Spirit started much younger, I was 6 years old when I had my first experience, at the time it didn't feel out of place to see this woman but there was something I couldn't quite work out why she didn't fit in with the rest of the people in Victorian costume - I was at a Victorian fair at the local Town Manor, so she didn't seem out of place as others were similarly dressed. I don't often talk about this side of me, it's something that I have shared privately with people I have connected to in the past. Now I'm opening it up to others in a public way and this is thanks to the 'quickening affect' I have been getting through this challenge of creating photographs and art works that connect to the depths of me.

Feel free to like my pages on facebook and share it with your friends:
https://www.facebook.com/RawSkinAu?ref_type=bookmark is my Art and Photography page.

Many changes have occurred during this time, blasting away at the old me, transforming and transmuting me on many levels and heightening my art work and photography. It has spurred me on to improve myself. It hasn't been easy, as I have stated before, at times, I have wanted to run, bolt the door or just hide away under the doona (duvet) until it's all over. Sometimes, it's good to retreat and other times you need to push through and help the shift change up gears. Connecting to the depths of you helps you intuitively know when to do this.

Emotions run high with me at the moment, roller coasting still with them, often wanting to burst into tears, giving into that and letting them flow, along with the laughter and the good times, keeping it real. I have been shifting through a few issues, writing and working with my art and photography to connect to the depths of me, letting them go. So many realisations, that at times it has been quite overwhelming. I am slowly turning that corner, slowly emerging from the crud and making in-roads, reclaiming my power and ground. Other times, I have had to retreat, pull back from pushing myself, to nurture and nourish.

Today has been one of those mixed days, beautiful time out in the morning in one of my favourite places in the hills with a friend, it lifts my spirits so much to get out in nature, the joy, love and energy I get makes me feel so alive. It was good to get out for that hour and half. I got out in what I call my Soul garden at the Alfred Nichols Gardens in the Dandenong Ranges, it's one of those amazing hideaway places.

I even had some lovely chats with my friends further afield, love the laughter from my chats along with seeing how much my friends are enriching and enhancing their lives, love it, so proud of them. It's beautiful to see your friends reach for their dreams, push through their fears and create the lives they want, a joy to be friends with them. Now, I have the desire to cry - it's a releasing, powerfully shifting cry, not a sad cry, so the tears will flow and I will let go. Even sad crying is good, we all need a good release at times.

For the last few days, I have been trying to create and finish, the characters that have emerged in my mind, as well as one large canvas piece. So now to finish the characters I have been creating and share them with you. I know they will be finished and it doesn't matter when they are, just that they will be. As I write this and share it with you, I'm listening to a variety of music, it's my bedfellow in creating, in connecting. I'm also wearing my "Koru" necklace. The Koru traditionally signifies new beginnings. This necklace came from New Zealand and was given to me. So whilst, I go through these shifts and transformations, welcoming these new beginnings and opportunities, I also recognise the need to be present and work with what is for me at any given time.

I think it's important to recognise that my creations will be finished and it doesn't matter when, just that they will be. Working with honouring all that is with me in the present <3

Photographs by Andrea George using a Nikon Coolpix P520

Exploring Symbolism: Pen Drawings of Male/Female representations

Exploring Symbolism: Pen drawings

Top left: "Taken by Male", Top Middle: "Male Dominance", Top Right: "Silas",
Middle left: "The Goddess", Middle Upper: "All things being equal", Middle lower: "Submissive in the shadow of Male Dominance", Middle Right: "Pulled",
Bottom Left: "Ankhssst", Bottom Middle: "The Medusa Tree", Bottom Right: "Punched"

Pen drawings by Andrea George

As part of this process of looking at the inner depths of me through my art and photography, feelings surrounding old issues have begun to arise. It was time to explore some of these issues but at a level that was helpful and not a hindrance. The above pen drawings have been processed over several days. Initially I used abstract symbolism to explore these issues. The idea came to me, when trying to work out how I could explore these issues without them overwhelming me and recalling that with child abuse victims, dolls are used to help discuss and work through what took place.

I had not used abstract art before but believed that this was a great way to keep in touch with the depths of me and be gentle at the same time. I also had been aware how many cultures and civilizations had used symbolism as representations of male/female aspects and that was something I was keen to utilize. I took my time with this being exceptionally slow and allowing myself to withdraw if feelings overwhelmed me.

The top middle drawing; "Male Dominance" was my first attempt at this. I used the block shape to represent the male, as it was quite strong and domineering in it's presence and the more fluid shape for the female. I noted I was not giving either a head and the female was also lacking in arms.

I then created the middle lower drawing; "Submissive in the shadow of Male Dominance." The female symbol is cowering by a foreboding brick wall in the background and shadow of the Male symbol in the foreground. The tree offers some light relief in this scene.

My last before stopping was the Top left drawing; "Taken by Male." This is more direct than the other two in its representation and one of the more confronting drawings to emerge in this series of pen drawings. I stopped to take a break and nourish myself, whilst I allowed myself to remain connected to the drawings and consider positives.

I had managed to create an abstract narrative of female/male symbolic representations, whilst remaining safe with my issues. I accept that for some people these will also rise some issues for them, see that as a positive move and find a way to explore those feelings, whilst also feeling safe.

I continued early the next day with some less abstract representations; bottom right, "Punched", Middle Right, "Pulled" and Middle left, "The Goddess." Both "Punched" and "Pulled" became confronting for me on many levels and after drawing both, I needed to pull back and find a way to nurture me and work through a strong feminine representation. She came in the form of "The Goddess."  She was peaceful, loving, nurturing, calming and gentle, very different to the other two drawings that were stark, cold and harsh.

One triumph here was when I uploaded "The Goddess" to facebook, facebook's face recognition software wanted me to tag her, as it believed it to be a photograph of an actual human, that made me smile. Also, I was becoming comfortable with my drawing skills again and my creative imagination was being stirred.

Way back when I was at school and doing Art for my exams, I lost my creative imagination due to one male teacher who remarked on one of my drawings; "that's all very nice but it won't help you pass your exams!" Up to this point, I loved Art, I loved every aspect of it. Suddenly I was confronted with a stark reality, that I was at school to achieve a specific goal of passing exams, to demonstrate that I could regurgitate knowledge that had been taught to me and apply it in an exam setting and Art wasn't exempt from that.

Up until that point Art had been my one outlet to be free with my imagination and create whatever, I wanted, it wasn't about meeting criteria or being moulded to a specific learning path. For me it was about using the skills and techniques I had learnt and applying them in a unique and creative way, there were no constraints, I was free to do what I wanted with it. Now I was being told that this was not the case and the end game was all about conforming to exam criteria - ugggh my heart sank.

I could have crumbled at this point but I didn't. Instead I turned to the teacher and asked, what did I need to do in order to pass the exam? He was a little taken aback by my reply, however, he did let me know and so from that point on I worked on honing my techniques for still life, perspective, tone, colour, texture, composition and around specific themes and realism, rather than the fantasy Art I had been producing.

I passed my exams, however, the heart and joy I had previously had with art had been lost along with my creative imagination. It would be another 10 years before I touched art again and started to create and reconnect. Since then, I have been working to improve my art. So to have facebook face recognition software think one of my drawings was a photograph of a human was quite awesome.

After another small break, I created the next three pieces; Middle upper drawing, "All things being equal", Bottom Left drawing, "Ankhssst" and Bottom Middle drawing, "The Medusa Tree." The first two were a return to the abstract symbolism, whilst "The Medusa Tree" was a return to my creative imagination.

I was feeling more confident with this process and whilst it appears that I was moving away from dealing with issues, in reality, it was healing issues, I hadn't even considered. Throughout this process of connecting to the depths of me, I surrendered to the process to let feelings, emotions, thoughts flow through me and this is how these drawings developed. I started with one area I wanted to examine and ended up somewhere completely different and very naturally. Lots of positives to be drawn from this.

During this time, what felt like a cataclysmic event took place and I got side swiped by my emotions, I became exceptionally raw and quite literally lost it, I plummeted to a new low as my world changed before my very eyes once more. I withdrew once more, trying to get to grips with what had happened, it was so severe that some friends of mine decided to take me to their place for the night. It was what I needed, space in friends company to help me get a better perspective and calmly think things through.

After a few days, things were back on a more even keel and that's when I started updating the blog and thinking about new creations, along with really pushing forward and concentrating on healing myself. So, it has been a few days since I created anything. I have been thinking about various compositions and I have two large canvases to paint and create on.

Whilst thinking about those and one specific composition, the pen drawing in the Top right came forth - meet "Silas." I have no idea who he is, except I feel very strongly connected to him. Perhaps a guide. Again Facebook face recognition software wanted me to tag him when I uploaded him to facebook. He's not exactly symmetrical and he's quite quirky but I like him and may even become part of the large canvas works, I will be doing.

That's my updates completed. Now I look forward to creating and sharing the continued exploration of this challenge and project. I will carry it on with the next one as if it is Day twelve, who knows what that will bring? For now, I will be happy with my accomplishments so far and the connections to self that I am making and working through.

Photographs of Pen drawings by Andrea George taken using a Nikon Coolpix P520

Musically Challenged

I am currently staying in a place that has a baby grand piano, two guitars, several recorders and many music score sheets and books. I would love to play any of these things but alas it is the one talent I lack, I am unable to play any musical instrument, even the cymbals - yes, I hang my head in shame. I would love to learn to play the Saxophone for me it's such a beautiful instrument and goes to the heart of my love for Jazz music. In regards to my musical tastes, they are extremely eclectic - I love Jazz; opera, R&B, soul, Latin, Folk, country, rock, instrumental, spiritual, alternative, heavy metal, pop, Goth and some Rap music. I can sing but cannot read music.

Being surrounded by these beautiful instruments and unable to play is quite sad, especially when I see all the wonderful musical scores I could play to my hearts content if I could play an instrument. So what do you do, when surrounded by such beauty, I do the only thing I know how to do, photograph them with love and appreciation and connect to them through my artistic mind and photography. I love their shapes, I reminisce about the sounds they make, I even play on the piano and strum the guitar and revel in the music scores available to me and smile.

I even find a music score book with a collection of Kate Bush songs, this takes me back to being a teenager and living in the UK. I used to go with my Grandma and Grandad and walk along Brighton seafront with them. At the time Kate Bush was known for her "Wuthering Heights" song and "The Man with the Child in his Eyes". We would stop on the seafront and they would sit on the seats of the Victorian shelters and I would entertain them. At the time, I had long hair and wore flowing clothes, loved dance and singing. I could also impersonate a few famous people, a skill I had honed since early childhood. So, there I was giving them a rendition of Kate Bush's "Wuthering Heights" and watching them smile as I did. Such a happy memory from my childhood. It was good to reconnect to that and find a joy for today.

Music has always been emotive for me, it connects deep within me and moves me and it's amazing how I can hear music even in everyday things, like whirring of washing machines, cars etc. Everything has a rhythm, a musicality, I find and it keeps me present, keeps me aware of my surroundings and my heart connection. It can also help move, shift or change my mood, wake me up or calm me down - music is so versatile and oh how I love to dance to it's rhythm, to express my feelings in dance and outwardly display my connection to music.

I also use different types of music to connect me when creating my art works. Even now, as I am writing this post, I am listening to music. It's a humble focuser, it gently cajoles and moves me, it inspires me, sparks my imagination and yet gets me out of my head and into my heart.

I leave you with two of my favourite quotes on music:

"Music is the language of the Spirit. It opens the secret of life bringing peace, abolishing strife"                                                                                                                              Kahlil Gibran

"Music is the healing force of the Universe."

Long may I hear the spirit of Music, may it remain in my life to heal, bring peace and abolish strife.

Photographs by Andrea George taken using a Nikon Coolpix P520

Touched by Nature

With the "mañana" ("tomorrow") mantra gaining epic procrastination strength, something had to give. I desperately needed to exchange it for the "Carpe diem" ("seize the day") mantra to cause a shift within me, my heart and soul wanted to go out in nature but my mind was being stubborn and fickle, revelling in any excuse not to get out there, whilst realising that being in nature was the very thing that would heal me.

Why was I being so stubborn and fickle? Why did I not want to heal? Why did I not want to find the joy I have often gained through being in nature, to feel the lift and let my spirits soar? Last time I was there, in the back yard I felt a disconnection between nature and I and that disheartened me. I actually feared not being able to enjoy nature in the way I had previously. I didn't want to feel that disconnection, it was painful to face, I had already endured so many disconnections and this felt like a bridge too far.

So, I sat and wallowed again. Then I got talking with my friend, who had given me the challenge and she wanted me, in fact urged me to get out in nature, told me that the disconnect wasn't real. I was ropeable, I was swearing at the screen, frustrated and chowing down hard on my stubbornness. I wouldn't be going out no matter what! I was quite adamant about that. Yet, there I was moving towards the shower, swearing like a trooper and insisting I wasn't going out today.

Needless to say, I showered, got dressed, grabbed my camera and tripod, still swearing I might add, still insisting this wasn't happening and walking towards the front door. Out I went, walking and swearing, no idea where I was going to commune with nature but allegedly communing with nature I was going to do no matter how much my mind was against it. I got to a point not far from where I am staying and made a decision to take a different route, still swearing I might add.

I was walking along locked in my own stubborn mind, swearing away, quite loudly I might add, not muttering it under my breath, when I saw some Toadstools and thought I had better get out my camera and start the communing. As I turned, so did an older male back in the direction he had come from. My thoughts were that he either suspected, that I was suffering from PMS and was in a murderous state of mind and therefore dangerous to be around, or had some mental health issue and I had been let out unsupervised, or I had a severe case of Tourettes syndrome or all three! Whichever, he thought he made his escape before he got caught up in my tirade of expletives. I have to say I did cackle at the thought of whatever was crossing his mind.

I started to photograph like a crazed, possessed woman, the wet weather had spawned a variety of toadstools over a large area, with many different varieties, I got quite lost in it all, probably not a bad thing considering, how much I was swearing still. However, I noted I was getting frustrated, I wanted to get some amazing macro shots with my hybrid Nikon Coolpix P520. I had been working on refining this for clearer, sharper shots, so I was challenging myself to do this more often and see if I couldn't improve my macro shots. The toadstools were perfect for this.

After a while I retreated and carried on walking, still swearing I might add but it had now become a quiet muttering rather than a torrid, loud spew. I always want to get some shots of the wonderful and varied birds we have here n Australia and I knew that this walk may give me that opportunity. I also like it that if I am out in nature, I find a water connection. For me, water is so cleansing. As I was walking along a bicycle and walk way that met up with a creek, the water connection was a given. I hadn't been this way before, so I decided to see how far I would go but to stay out as long as I could, well at least until my swearing and frustration had subsided.

Along the way, I took photographs of trees, birds, flowers, more toadstools, water, even spiders webs on trees. Sadly, I didn't see the more colourful birds we have, here in Australia. I attempted to listen to the sounds around me, it frustrated me a little, that I couldn't completely relax, drop my frustration, feel the full connection and wonderment that I normally do with nature. I wanted to just sit but as the grass was damp and I couldn't find a bench, away from road areas to just sit and meditate, I gave up on that idea, much to my disappointment. Yes, I was still swearing by the time I had decided to return back to the place I was staying, it had calmed a little but the desire to return back was stronger than the desire to hang for a while longer. I was still feeling like this had been a futile exercise for me. I still felt disconnected in some way.

However, I did draw some triumphs from this; I had gone out and got out into nature, I had taken photographs - over 195 to be precise in over 3 hours of walking, I had practised my macro shots and worked on improving them. Now I was returning home to look at them on my computer. I transferred them and started looking at them. One photograph I had hoped would turn out fantastic didn't. I will return to re-take the shots of what I had seen and that had made me smile.

When I looked at the photographs, I liked them, I wasn't completely wowed by them all, so I selected about 30 to share on facebook with my friends, that I was quite pleased with. The swearing had subsided and I was feeling more relaxed. Perhaps nature had touched me after all and connected on a level, I hadn't felt.

You may be thinking how does this connect with the depths of me. Well, even negative emotions and feelings are a part of me, it is a connection that I was feeling at that moment and whilst taking the photographs, I wasn't feeling that, once I had returned home, a shift had taken place and I had noticed that. I had remained connected and present to me and what I was feeling throughout and for that I was grateful.

Nature has a way of touching us in a way that sometimes we cannot comprehend, understand or even feel at times. I recognise the disconnect was coming from me, it was I that was repelling nature not nature repelling me.

Feeling blessed that Nature finds it way to touch us at the very heart of us.

Photographs by Andrea George taken using a Nikon coolpix P520.

Removing the mañana mantra and gaining the Carpe diem mantra

With the weather getting wetter and my desire to retreat and shut down, totally to disconnect from the world in which I was in, to be numb, to shun and be void of feelings, which in reality is impossible, even numbness is a feeling. I started to challenge myself to do something, even if it was just to get out of bed, to look at something other than darkness, to feel something other than the comfort of my doona (duvet), to try and connect with my art, to pick up my camera and photograph anything and to think about that process.

The struggle was immense, the fight with self was strong, it was like someone had me magnetically charged and the bed and darkness, were an all powerful magnet that kept me there. I kept telling myself, if I could get out in nature, things would shift. Each day I would wake wanting to go out but then the slightest thing would give me the perfect excuse not to move, it didn't take much to convince me to stay in the warmth. So, out I came with my new mantra - "mañana, mañana, mañana" ("tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow"), procrastination became my bedfellow and clung to me heavily.

Eventually, I broke the "mañana" mantra and exchanged it for the "Carpe diem" ("seize the day") mantra. I seized the day with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. I decided that if I couldn't get out in nature then all I should do, is step outside in the back garden and breathe, listen and be still.

So out I went, in the cold damp air. Then I saw the rain drops on the leaves and branches and I went to get my camera. I wanted to capture what I was seeing, huge goblets of water just dangling on the ends of leaves and branches or proudly sitting there like leaf bubble-wrap.

I took a few and came back in as the heavens started opening again. I checked them out on my computer and felt something was missing on some of them, the brilliance of nature I had felt in the past was lack lustre for me, they were dull, uninteresting and not sharp enough. Initially, I was going to give up for the day, I was back to the "mañana" mantra again and my "Carpe diem" mantra had been seized by the "mañana" mantra enthusiasm. I was frustrated. I was hoping the rain would cease, so that I could go back out and see if I could capture what I was seeing but I wasn't holding out for that hope to come forth.

Eventually the rains did break and I pushed myself to grab my camera and try once more, surely I could get better pictures than the last time. I use a Nikon Coolpix P520 - a great little hybrid, digital camera with many features and amazing zoom capabilities, it can capture the craters and seas on the moon with amazing clarity in the right light. I haven't had this camera long, so I am still exploring all it's features and working out its true potential.

So, there I was thinking about angles, light, position of the sun, focus and working out what I wanted to capture. I kept taking many, playing with different settings, eventually I stopped. I returned to my computer to check the results. There were a few good ones and those I have shared at the beginning of this post.

Even though I was feeling disconnected with everything, I did push through that. I did get some good shots, that I am personally happy with but still want to improve. I got up out of bed. I got into nature, even if it was my back yard. I nourished my self even though it didn't feel like it. Small triumphs -which is good.

Here's to reducing the "mañana" mantra and increasing the "Carpe diem" mantra and those small truimphs, which are huge in reality. Go Carpe diem throughout your day and give mañana the heave ho!

Vivid dreaming

During my absence, I woke after having two vivid dreams on subsequent days. The first dream being extremely strong and powerful was of a the eye of a baby deer and the imagery of an oak leaf imposed around it's eye. The deer was in its natural habitat, it felt like a thick forest and the deer came towards me to take a closer look and appeared to smile. I felt blessed by its presence, it was like we understood each other. The Oak tree presence was strong, green and with many acorns - it felt large and bountiful. I have always had a strong connection with oak trees.

The second dream, the following day, was about giving birth to a baby boy. I should state I am not pregnant nor do I desire to be pregnant at this stage of my life. I do find it interesting that two days, I dreamt about the young, natural states of life in nature, green, strength and feeling blessed. I shared this with my friends on facebook, many of who stated that it pointed to rebirth, new beginnings, birth of something big. My own feelings around this apart from rebirth were;  a definite sense of nurturing, growing, creating, feeling whole, satisfied, firm foundations, refreshed and strong.

Throughout this time my emotions were going on quite a rollercoaster of a ride and I was trying to get to grips with it all. I even deactivated my facebook account to work with the depths of me, I had quite literally become overwhelmed by my emotions, I needed some calm and go within. So, whatever way I could, I pushed through this trying to find different ways to create, to keep connected to me and life, even though I felt the plug had been pulled on my connection. All the time being encouraged by my friend who gave me this challenge. The world needs more encouragers.

These dreams happened about a week ago and since then a few changes have taken place, cataclysmic turn of events and so the cycle has churned once more and I have been presented with a new opportunity. Initially it rocked me, it cut deep, it threw me into turmoil, now I see that whilst devastating as it was, it was not only necessary but vital to the changing of my self and it brought me to a fundamental realisation.

I woke up today with the acceptance and understanding to the fact that:-

I should be able to say/not say, do or not do whatever I like without the need to pussyfoot around anyone, their feelings, worrying about how they will react or the consequences of me saying/not saying or doing/not doing things. If others don't like this, that is theirs to deal with, I am not responsible for how they perceive or react to me and what I say/don't say, do or don't do. I am only responsible for my own reactions and actions. This may sound harsh and tough for others to read but I will no longer apologise for being who I am. No one HAS to like me, accept me, my thoughts, words, actions, inactions, silence, reactions - I am who I am - warts n all - I am human.

So, just when you think the most awful thing has happened to you and that your whole world has just imploded in your face and that it will never be the same, sit with it, keep connected to those emotions, let them coarse through you and let them go, so you can allow the change to naturally progress through.

It's like what happens before during and after a storm. The tension builds to such a level that the pressure becomes too much for the atmosphere to hold and suddenly it explodes, thrashing around, clattering erratically, crashing haphazardly at anything it can hit, deluging everything in sight and then the break happens, clearance comes, all the grime is washed away, the tension has subsided and everything feels refreshed a new, alive and awakened.

Here's to feeling awakened.