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| "I AM BASTARD!" Pen drawing by Andrea George |
I accept that what is posted in throughout my blog and posts, are my resonance, understanding a truth for me at this present time on being authentic. It is merely my opinion, feelings, thoughts and emotions and no one has to accept my opinion. I am merely expressing where I am in a given moment and my thoughts, feelings and emotions in that moment. I am no guru or authority on any of the subjects, I am merely an observer of my own truths and resonance.
Yesterday, I started off listening to my country, folk, indie and jazz playlist. It was a great start to my day, so soulful and vibrant, great energy flowed within me. It was good to feel this. Over the last few days, I have been swinging from being okay and coping reasonably well, to being creative, to doona (duvet) diving and shutting out the world, whilst acknowledging where I am at within myself. Yes, I am still going through the rollercoaster ride.
I am dealing with my issues, in my own unique way, through music, art, reading, connecting with friends and getting out in nature to raise the vibrations within me. I do this to expunge the crud and negativity that is part of my self. I recognize and I am aware of my negative vibrations and I actually don't see this as a bad thing. To me it means that I am connected to the core of me. That I am actively seeking solutions, dealing with matters as they arise, no matter how dark they are.
Through this process, I have had old issues arise, that haven't been dealt with effectively, hence their hedonistic, hell raising return. Ignore things at your peril! This morning was no different in that respect, as I was enjoying my pleasant morning, listening to my music, I felt a strong urge to create the dark image featured at the top of this post "I AM BASTARD!" I ended up re-creating him as a trio and shared him on facebook with the words ""I AM BASTARD!" started off with a peaceful morning when this fucker pops in my head! Out now, so get fucked and leave!"
Note, these words were not said in anger but from a place of strength and empowerment. It was me stating that I had faced him and he no longer had power over me. I am not the victim of his actions, thoughts or words against me. The face depicted is symbolic rather than the face of someone real and his heavy set, foreboding presence and deliberate blurring of his features are just as symbolic. Not longer after a page on facebook called, "Your Beautiful Life" posted this quote by Steve Maraboli ...
Not long after, I read another post that I interpreted as speaking to me. In the post it discussed a popular held belief by those who follow 'abundance/positivity' ideologies. It said that in order for change to take place it must be done from a different vibration than the one you are currently vibrating in. Many other things were mentioned in that post and it irked me but I didn't know why. I decided not to respond but to take my own advice of sitting with that feeling and letting it flow through until I understood why it irked me.
During this thought process and connecting with my self, I came up with a vision of one of my own photographic art works, created earlier in this blog and of only showing the eyes, whilst changing the pupils to a mythical creatures pupils. I decided to create this ...
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| "Glimpse" Photographic creation by Andrea George |
Again I posted this on facebook with the words "A mere glimpse does not reveal the whole picture." Yes, I share lots on facebook, in fact I share lots on facebook in spurts. At the moment due to a change in my life circumstances and my phone dying on me, it is one of the only real time connections to my friends, another is email.
Yes, I know I can get out and meet people too and I do. That's my point about the glimpse - I may look like I am on facebook 24/7 but the reality is different. I don't share everything I do on facebook and I do have a life outside facebook. However, as we are in the winter season at the moment, wet days with heavy winds are frequent, so staying indoors and the warmth has also increased. Note due to my epilepsy being uncontrolled I don't drive, getting wet constantly and battling winds isn't my preferred option, I love being out just not as a drowned rat.
I don't watch TV, I rarely read the papers, I do read books, listen to music, create art, enjoy my photography, connect with friends (via facebook and outside of that), make recipes ( my creativity in the Kitchen) go out in nature and fuck me, I have a fucking life!
So why did the post irk me and does it any more? Well, I do like to keep things fucking real, honest, raw and unapologetic. We deny too much of our World and being a spiritual soul, I am highly sensitive to emotions and vibrations.
I do get upset about cruelty and it angers me, when I see anything being mistreated, whether it's a human, animal or flaura. Destruction of our world has become the biggest denial by mankind in our modern world, we are shielded from that pain and harm by our concrete jungle.
Here's the reality though - should I deny my fucking anger and despair at the world and not bring that into awareness, to let it dissipate as it coarses through me or should I be all loving, gentle, peaceful and focus only on the positive? The answer is all will happen and to allow all states of consciousness of self will bring into reality the authentic self. To deny any emotion is to deny self and your authenticity.
Whilst people are entitled to their opinions and to express them, I have a choice on how I react to them. However, it's important when expressing opinions, it will be dependent on where the reader/receiver is at in that given moment. Sometimes the words are received with the gentle intention of love, in which it was written. There is a possibility, that the words will create the opposite effect and stir the very thing in which it was not intended to do - anger, hurt, pain, frustration to name a few reactions.
Having love and concern for a friend/neighbour/lover/child/parent is all good and well and you always want with the best of intentions for them to improve themselves and not to suffer pain. Here's the things though, as hard as it is to watch someone take a wrong turn (in your humble opinion), to suffer pain, how do we not know that this is what is necessary for them at this time - we don't? The best thing you can do for that person, is to let them be, let them discover, how to deal with their own darkness, let them grow in their own light and if they ask for your help then be there for them. Yes, it's hard to stand and watch someone destroy themselves but how wonderful is it to see them rise again after finding their own way out.
So, whose issue is it that the post was received not in its original intention, is it the writer's or reader's/receiver's? Both - the writer for being ambiguous with their words in the post and assuming the advice is needed and the reader's for their interpretation and reaction to the words. I understand through my sitting with my feelings and reactions, that the post was done with the intention of love and desire to bring to others, awareness of their vibrational reality and how it can affect them. The intention was not the issue.
The issue was the ambiguity of the post and the assumption that direction was needed and that upon first reading it appeared to be coming from a place of judgement and superiority. The issue with me as that reader was my reaction to it and the hurt of being judge and misunderstood. Through sitting with this these initial feelings have dissipated.
That being said, it is a truth for me that we do not know what battles or demons others are facing nor can we ever fully appreciate or understand what goes on behind closed doors or in the mind of another, not even if we have travelled a similar path. Even my blog and posts could be taken the wrong way. I am expressing my opinions and feelings on something that has arisen at a given moment in time, the thought processes, my feelings and how I no longer feel it upsets me. I accept it as an opinion from someone whose intention was from a place of love and desire to bring awareness to actions, thoughts and emotions.
Even writing this post has helped me work through my own, thoughts, feelings and expressions. In fact throughout yesterday, posts came up that resonated with me on and around this subject. I include a compilation of them here ...
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| Top left: Jim Morrison's quote on reality and pain as shared by Butterflies and pebbles, Photograph by Nomadic Lass. Top Right: Panache Desai quote on emotions. Bottom Left: Picture of rabbit in the woods ( artist unknown). Butterflies and Pebbles quote on the inside, Photo by Susanne Nilsson |
As, I eluded to earlier, often nothing more than simply being there for a friend is all that is required, no words, just sitting, being there gazing and understanding, letting them be and letting them know you hear them, being silent speaks volumes.
I was sad one day and went for a walk;
I sat in a field.
A rabbit noticed my condition and
came near.
It often does not take more than that to help at times -
to just be close to creatures who
are so full of knowing,
so full of love
that they don’t
- chat,
they just gaze with
their
marvellous understanding.
~ St. John of the Cross
I want to also explain how this blog, my art, photography, listening to music, connecting with friends, communing with nature, reading and cooking help change my vibrations. In order for me to do that, I would like to try and convey, how in the past, I would deal with things, my darkness and how that has altered.
I used to bottle up my negativity, push all 'bad things' and suppress them to my inner depths of my psyche. I only concentrated on 'counting my blessings.' I had been conditioned from an early age, that you don't air your 'dirty laundry' in public! For a while, everything was so hunky-dory, it was almost like a scene that had stepped right out of the "Stepford Wives" and I can hear Julie Andrews saying "Practically perfect in every way!"
Now I'm more like a well oiled sailor and more likely to say, "Get Fucked!" or "Get fuckin' real love!" or "Grow some fuckin' guts love and tell 'em like it is!" I know for some a step too far! The point is whilst my 'Stepford Wife' life ticked along underneath a potent brew of Volcanic proportions was beginning to bubble, to stir and rise. It was beginning to show cracks and steam, eventually this lead to a complete breakdown. I had a nuclear meltdown of epic proportions and the Volcanic pressure cooker spewed its contents into my perfect world of serenity and calm, I had become catastrophically unhinged. Yes, I collapsed into a world of depression and suicide, I was 26 years old, married and a mother of three children under five years old.
Sure, there were physical factors that exacerbated the enormity of this. I had descended into my own personal hell and I had no idea how to get out of this. I was locked in a darkness of terror, powerful imagery and the constant whirring of my mind. Eventually, I found the power to unlock it but it wasn't until after months of struggling with medications that I felt numbed me and virtually cut off all connectivity.
Some would argue that depression is the severing of your connection to the world. I would argue it's the disconnection to a part of your psyche that severs the connection and it is this connection of self that is often ignored and shunned, disregarded by modern medicine as not necessary.
The medications were for me, my severance to the world and a descent further into my hell. Sure, medications have their place to a point and they were working on some level, even if they made me unemotional.
I became increasingly frustrated with being on the medications and seeing a Psychiatrist - I wanted to discover the root of my depression. In my Psychiatric sessions all I did was regurgitate answers according to the Psychiatrist questions, thoughts vented and medications prescribed, see you next week attitude.
For me, I didn't want to vent, to wallow, I wanted to be alive, I wanted to feel, to emote and wanted to know why I was locked in this hell? How it had happened? How to get out of it! Eventually, after attempting suicide, coming extremely close to death and some six angry weeks later, I had a breakthrough. Well, at least I was feeling angry by now, I dug in deep and started pulling myself out of the murky depths, started pushing back the boundaries, re-connecting and finding a deep desire to live.
The exact details of how I did this are a little murky, the point is I became aware of the need for change, my anger had propelled me to desire and become aware, to realise, I was the only fucker that would get me out of this! I was going to face my fears, breakthrough and fight for my life!
Did you read that? It was my 'Anger' that brought me into awareness and realisation! It wasn't a positive emotion but it had become a positively charged emotion to propel change from within. This is why we cannot deny our darkness, our negative emotions and reactions. It is often the negative emotions positively charged that propel change and that we find our strength from within, we become empowered to change.
As an artist and spiritual being, I now recognise to deny any part of me is to deny my authenticity. Hell, this is what this fuckin' project and challenge is all about - connecting to self in a given moment! That's my point, it's a mere glimpse of where I am in a moment. It's not where I am staying, it's not me wallowing, it's me bringing me into my awareness, of the depths of me in that moment. Accepting it, letting it go and once it has been acknowledge, it passes through and dissipates like the moment, it's gone.
Yes, I may feel angry a moment later but it has changed, it has altered, like the next moment does. Going through this huge transformation, as I have been doing, dealing with issues as they arise, dealing and living my life, the change doesn't happen overnight, change evolves over time.
We are constantly changing and evolving, in awareness, in a natural flow and it doesn't have to be a cataclysmic event that causes this. It just so happened to be the case for me. So, when I create, I create a moment, a moment of me, it's my soul barred for all to see, my emotions, feelings, thoughts poured out energetically. Once I have created they have passed on. So abundance/positivity has its place balanced with keeping it real - how?
It's like sparks - sparks can be caused by a sudden powers surge or by friction against another object. Positivity/abundance are akin to the power surge, its's bright and powerful as it surges but once discharged, it fades, you need a new power surge to keep it rolling, for if abundance/positivity doesnt bring about that change interest is lost. Friction on the other hand causes a fire to ignite, creating a deep burning, that deep burning destroys the old to ashes and creates a new state of being. The embers keep burning unless starved of oxygen or smothered by sand. True that fire can get out of hand, if the friction becomes to great and you keep adding to it without being aware of what is happening, that's the locking into a personal hell. Becoming aware of self in the moment, where we are at, acknowledging, being and letting go will help to remain authentic to our self. So feel the whole gamut of emotions, keep the connection going.
Being a spiritual being doesn't mean, I have to be all light, sweetness and full of fluffiness, hell no! I keep it real, connected to my rawness and that includes raising my middle finger and placing a well meant, hearty "Fuck you fuckers!" in there at any given moment. It's not about being angry, vulgar or aggressive, it's about empowering and reclaiming me.
Here's to all my emotions, keeping it real, being empowered, reclaiming my power and ground with all the glory of bastardom and a well meant, "FUCK!"
I would like to leave you with this quote:
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| "Stars can't shine without darkness" |
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