In the early hours of this morning I needed to get out of the house, to connect with nature, to see the stars, feel the cold air, to hear the sound of water, to feel alive and to recall what it feels like to sit behind the wheel of a car.
I was grateful a friend had called in, otherwise large parts of this would have been unattainable. I started with Epilepsy in 1997 after an operation and since then I have not been able to drive, as it has not been under control. So, my friend drove us out into the country.
I have always found ways to get to where I need to with or without friends/partner's/family help but there also have been times, where not having a car and not being allowed to drive has frustrated me. Most of the time, it doesn't affect me.
When I am feeling depressed, however, the one thing that lifted my spirits was getting in the car and driving, just driving anywhere, to be alone and at one with nature. Now that pleasure has been removed, it is at times like now, it cuts the deepest, sending me lower into my depression.
Getting out last night with my friend was soooo good to do and although I couldn't drive, I just wanted to know, to be reminded what it felt like to sit behind the wheel of a car. To hold that steering wheel, to be in the driver's seat.
So that's what I did, whilst we were parked, I sat behind the wheel, it was odd, weird, scary, it didn't sit well with me for a while, it was awkward.
The desire to be able to drive again is so strong, it has been for a few years now, it would open up so many doors, it's at times like this I get angry with my epilepsy. One day, I will be on the highway to nowhere, just enjoying my solo drive, that day will be when I am seizure free, I look forward to that day. For now, I am grateful for opportunities of getting out further in this beautiful country, I live in.
Photograph taken using NIkon Coolpix P520
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